We FINALLY have snow! I am happy, happy, happy. Cold and dark without snow is M.I.S.E.R.A.B.L.E! Even though I’ve been playing Christmas music nearly constant for way-longer-than-I-should-have-at-this-point [thank you Pandora – I’m not tired of hearing my same few CDs over & over]. As I mentioned in my last post, this Alaskan was really struggling with the dark. and the cold. and the wind. BUT snow has come.

::: {Insert: Notice the connection?} Dark is miserable. scary. overwhelming. yet when the light comes – everything looks different. Life on our own [darkness] is miserable. scary. overwhelming. when the light of Christ is in us – everything IS different. He gives us purpose on this earth. Our purpose = to bring Him glory. :::

It has been snowing for about 24 hours and it’s still coming :-D!!!!

It’s white.

It’s gorgeous.

It’s comforting. relaxing.

{Sigh}.

It’s been so long since we’ve had snow & we’ve been anxiously waiting so winter could ‘start’; Vince even enjoyed shoveling a path big enough for us to “get a run for it before becoming a snow submersible”. :-D! {Translation = the car is much smaller than the van…}

It’s beginning to look like a gorgeous winter and at Christmastime too! Christmas celebrations this year are simple. The best kind. I’m so excited!

ps: my camera works 😀

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The above verse is a reminder & confirmation to me to rest in Him. When I do His {God, King of Kings, Heavenly Father} will, He is pleased and as a result I will have peace. All Glory is His!

We have absolutely beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, snow everywhere. on our trees. on the ground. it’s cold so the snow is sparkly. As we left the house today I told my kids, “this is why we live in Alaska!” {remember, not that long ago I was struggling with darkness} It. is. so. so. very. pretty!  If only I could get a picture to do our real life surroundings justice….but I don’t have that knowledge. So the above pictures will have to suffice. :-D! It was so bright it was hurting my eyes, but I didn’t wear sunglasses. I just couldn’t….

*** Totally changing the subject now ***

I want to address something I’ve been noticing as a trend online: Christmas on a budget. While this is a wonderful idea, necessary for many, and I actually haven’t seen much I disagreed with. However, honestly, none of it has applied to me. The ideas for stocking stuffers – I don’t pay that much for gifts! What I want to talk about is: what about when a budget is out of the question? A budget for Christmas – I wish! Right now, I’m trying to figure out how to put gas in the car AND buy groceries. Buy Christmas gifts? uh, not happening.

Does this mean we don’t ‘do’ Christmas? No way! Christmas is my absolute favorite time of year.

It just means we are learning to be much more creative. Watch any good (or ‘low budget’) Christmas movie – so many are about the miracle of Christmas and how magical this time of year is. I don’t disagree Christmas is a miraculous time of year. But, look at what is often portrayed in these movies as the miracle of Christmas. People’s change of heart. Family’s reuniting. So many go too far though and it becomes a lie; I’m talking about the movies ending with financial woes and hardships coming to an end with a large gift and/or hurting hearts finding their love. While that is all good and lovely, it is not the miracle of Christmas. It’s just what is tangible and able to be felt. And the masses tend to feel more generous at this time of year (tax cut-off doesn’t hurt either). Usually it is a distraction/distortion of the truth though – many of us don’t get the huge dream we were anticipating at the 11th hour because it’s Christmas; it’s about our learning to live within the means of life, trusting Him.

What is the miracle of Christmas? God sending His Son to be born as a human, to die for each of our sins, then rise again – so we could have eternal life!

So, back to ‘doing’ Christmas…what this means, traditionally speaking, is gifts. BUT it really isn’t about the cost, size, value, or time spent on a gift. It’s about thinking of who the gift is for – so often though, it has become about making sure to have a gift for everyone we might know. I’ve never been in the financial position to be able to give what I’d like to.

{insert clarification} First of all, I have raised my kids with the understanding we don’t do big birthday parties and first choice is always to make a gift. This has made it easier for me, I don’t deny that. We didn’t have to abruptly learn how to live on nothing. We don’t just run out and buy something to buy something, no matter how much we love the person. We give gifts because we want to share a part of ourselves with another. My goal, for 12 years now, has been to keep gifts to $5 or less, in the last couple years I’ve had to go up to $7 or even $10 at times. For Christmas, my kids have basically always received one main gift and a couple other little ones, depending on the year. A couple years ago I spent the most I ever have on Christmas – it was right around $250 for everyone (total) – my children, parents, brothers, brothers’ families, family friends, youth leaders/sunday school teachers/piano teachers. Interestingly enough, it was the most empty giving I’d ever given. I hated it. I like making gifts. I’m so thankful God made me that way. However, I’ve mainly raised my children this way for a few reasons:

• Money is not plentiful for us. By the grace of God there is always money for necessities, but we don’t live ‘typically’. [see below]
• When you have to keep the cost to almost nothing you tend to think more about the receiver, what they like, their interests, not about how quick you can be done with this chore.
• When you make the gift, it is more about an expression of the receivers’ importance to you, than what the gift is.

Time for some brutal honesty: I haven’t had a source of income since August and child support quit the end of September. Simply put, it hurts. It’s beyond scary. I feel like a major failure. Some days the lack of funds overwhelms me. Some days I tell myself we’re fine. Right now – I’m having physical symptoms of tension headaches, lack of sleep, major stress….so, obviously I wasn’t doing as well at giving it all up to the Lord as I thought I was {sigh}. Be still…. While child support isn’t typically enough to live on and it hasn’t ever been consistent, it hasn’t been non-existant at the same time as me not having any other source of income. Before you have any thoughts of me having been a good planner, I must have had a savings set up, or done something smart like that – let me stop you. It isn’t true. I had no warning and no reserves, they’d been used up to get through the summer.

I suck at having a budget – why? Because I don’t have the same amount of money two months in a row, it might be $0 or up to $700. (please don’t be offended I have put actual numbers up, but I want you to understand why some of the ideas I have read seem so ludicrous to me, and I’m guessing I’m not the only one in this position.) I have learned to buy what I can when I can and we don’t do many extra’s.

• We live in an apartment attached to my parents’ home.
• My daughter & I share a bedroom.
• My son has a bedroom on my parents’ side of the house.
• My living room is 225 sf – this is where we live. do home school. where I work.
• Until this year I haven’t paid rent.
• I don’t pay for a vehicle – we drive a wrecked vehicle my dad fixed up. My dad does all vehicle maintenance.
• We just moved out of the van because I couldn’t afford to drive it. Thankfully my dad had another vehicle here he fixed up for us.

So. Christmas gifts.

—We are making them this year with supplies we already have. Not looking at ideas and going to buy supplies. It’s amazing how much stuff we have  – useful, just waiting to be used. Why not start using some of it now?

We drew names within my family and had Christmas on Thanksgiving. So I only made a gift for my dad – using pictures, like I do every year :-D. I did add a canvas print for my brother & sis-in-law of their two sweeties. For family friends/youth leader gifts this year I’m giving Chai creamer and Vanilla Sugar (I made both) in small canning jars, in the end it will be approx. 15 gifts for $9, the cost of a case of canning jars. For Christmas this year, I have purchased one gift, a Bible for Vince; he’s 15 and asked specifically for a Message Bible a few months back. I expect I will buy a few stocking stuffers, but I dont’ know what yet. I still have lots of finalizing of ‘plans’ in my head {jewelry making, sewing, scrapping, crafting} — I don’t follow patterns, so I live in a state of confusion until I get it all worked out :-D.

–Not crafty. Don’t have supplies on hand? Don’t have money for anything extra? How about taking the time to write out what someone means to you. A different element to our drawing names this year was we were to pick a verse we felt identified the receiver of our gift and before they opened their gift we said the verse and explained why. It was amazing. I made a calendar for my dad – on each month I put a verse I thought might apply for the plans I know are laid out for next year. It took a long time, but I loved giving it to him, and I loved the way it made me think ahead to the next year and be focused, intentional on how I will be praying for him each month. Cost = $2 (because I got prints of the pictures, my printer decided to die for color printing). I used my own photos I’d taken through the year. I had all the scrapbook supplies.

—Remember, the receiver of your gift doesn’t really want you to spend money you don’t have to buy them something. Plan a coffee date with a friend, make treats & coffee at home. It doesn’t have to have a cost to let someone know you care about them as a person. Allow yourself to step out of the commercialized Christmas rut and enjoy the holiday season – allow it to be a time of rest, reflect on family memories, spend time with friends and family. Slow down before the new year starts. Enjoy the kids while they’re out of school for Christmas break.

Anyway, I just wanted to be a blogger stating what others may be experiencing as well. Not having a budget for Christmas.

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Here are the directions – straight from Lisa-Jo’s blog:

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. And then absolutely, no ifs, ands or buts about it, you need to visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. Seriously. That is, like, the rule. And the fun. And the heart of this community..

Oh and Ahem, if you would take pity and turn off comment verification, it would make leaving some love on your post that much easier for folks!

OK, are you ready? Please give us your best five minutes on:

Wonder…

Go: Today is on wonder. Yesterday I started wonder about me- wonder at how much just a little big of light can so totally change the outlook of life.

We don’t have snow yet. It is dark. There is no color. There is dust. And constant wind.

It makes me weary. I’ve not been good about being out {remember: wind}. By wind I don’t mean small breezes. I mean constant 20-30mph winds, with gusts up to 50-60, sometimes 80mph! I don’t like wind. Never have. Have I mentioned that before?

So. Wonder. I drove into town the other night at 10pm – there was a dusting of snow, and it.was.beautiful! I had no idea it looked like winter. It made me take a big internal deep breath. I didn’t realize such a small thing could mean so much.

It made me think of how a small package came at Christmas time and made such a big impact for all of us who have chosen to follow Him. :Stop

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned before – but I’m addicted to color. When I don’t see enough color I start to feel crazy. Even with this need to see color, play with color – I don’t wear a lot of color. I want to see it. Appreciate it. not wear it.

Alaska (at least where I live) doesn’t have enough color from the time our leaves fall off until we have snow on the ground. By the way, we have 6 seasons – spring, summer, fall, dead, winter, and breakup. Dead = everything is dead. preparing for winter. Breakup is when the snow is thawing & there is mud e.v.e.r.y.w.h.e.r.e, not  spring yet but anticipation of green {life} coming. These two ‘seasons’ I usually feel pretty desperate and  I wonder at my sanity of living in Alaska. But I LOVE Alaska. I have lived in northern Wisconsin (7 childhood years, 1 adult Jan-July) and Oregon (2 adult years); I love the connection to other states. I love spring with blooming flowers. I love being in the dark AND warm. but I love Alaska more so I don’t move! 😀

Usually these ‘seasons’ are fairly short – a couple weeks, maybe a month. This year it’s been nearly two months of dead. dark. consuming dark. I feel sucked dry (not just because of the constant wind either) & weary. I had no idea the lights reflecting would make me feel so alive. In just 24 hours of seeing a dusting of snow, driving on icy roads, and seeing light reflected I feel a renewed anticipation of winter coming. It is coming. It has to!

Isn’t it amazing how Scripture uses light to represent Christ? I have a renewed understanding of why.

Light is beautiful. amazing. awe inspiring. shows color. warming. comforting. renews life.

I’m desperate for Christ, even more than my desperation for color.

I have known I was struggling with our lack of light, the all-consuming darkness.

My inability to get warm.

Craving for a fireplace to at least make the dark cozy.

But I didn’t realize how much. How much I needed to know I wasn’t stranded in the dead season. Left. Ignored. Forgotten. I have felt desperate to feel Christ. I’ve had feelings too much in the forefront of my mind. I keep choosing to change my focus, but it just wouldn’t change. I couldn’t make it happen.

A mere 45 min drive and I got a whole new outlook on life.

Here are a couple pictures to see our light. They show how it doesn’t take much light to shine in the dark – just like we are to be the light of Christ in this world.

These are from last year. Also, my D3100 arrived. They say it was repaired. I’m hoping & praying. I am actually looking forward to getting some sunrise/sunset pictures — the iPhone camera has just not hacked it. There is never enough light for the pictures to not be grainy.

Did I mention…we don’t have snow. so it’s dark. the camera won’t even take a picture.

Here’s a sunrise at -30*. Isn’t that absolutely a.m.a.z.i.n.g?! {Even though your fingers go numb taking pictures} 

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We were able to keep Disneyland a secret from the kids. They started to see road signs & ask questions. Vince asked, “Why is the road we are on called Disney Way?” Christine was actually the first one to yell – “We’re going to Disneyland!” I think Vince had figured it out, but he wasn’t about to voice it. We had tiara’s for the girls that we gave them in the car & Mickey Mouse characters for the boys – to avoid any souvenir buying.

Bumma with all her grandkids, at Disneyland!

Avery was often my ride buddy – it was so much fun, she would just giggle from deep in her belly. Here she is driving the Dumbo ride, she loved it. The day was amazing, the longest we waited was 30 min for the submarine (Nemo) ride. Otherwise we pretty much just walked up & had to wait thru one or two rounds of the ride filling up.

The weather was perfect – wonderfully warm, but not too hot, in the evening it cooled off & sweatshirts were just right.

There was a Royal Coronation of Princesses.

The girls were so cute, they had already been wearing their tiara’s all through. There were court officials who introduced Princesses Cinderella, Snow White, and Jasmine. They showed the girls how to wave, curtsy, & dance. At the end they brought out May Poles & gave each of the girls a ribbon then danced with the girls – Snow White danced with our girls.

We moms were Princesses too. We didn’t get to keep them for long though.

The Castle at night.

Time to go, the parade is done & it is almost 8pm. Jane took Vince to do one last ride, Space Mountain, while the rest of us worked our way to the gate.

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I took the pictures at 9:15pm, by 9:30 it was too dark outside to see anything more. Poor CJ has slept thru it all, Vince heard me & got up to see it for himself.

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Here are pictures of the quilt after washing. It really does crinkle way up! It is so fun to see it & know I did it :).

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The last day of my study had a really good illustration that I’m posting here mostly so I can come back & read it at a moments notice without digging thru my notes. This is from Max Lucado, it is a little long but worth reading.

Here is the scene: You and I and a half-dozen other folks are flying across the country in a chartered plane.All of a sudden the engine bursts into flames, and the pilot rushes out of the cockpit.

“We’re going to crash!” he yells. “We’ve got to bail out!”

Good thing he knows where the parachutes are because we don’t. He passes them out, gives us a few pointers, and we stand in line as he throws open the door. The first passenger steps up to the door and shouts over the wind, “Could I make a request?”

“Sure, what is it?”

“Any way I could get a pink parachute?”

The pilot shakes his head in disbelief. “Isn’t it enough that I gave you a parachute at all?” And so the first passenger jumps.

The second steps to the door. “I’m wondering if there is any way you could ensure that I won’t get nauseated during the fall?”

“No, but I can ensure that you will have a parachute for the fall?”

Each of us comes with a request and receives a parachute.

“Please, Captain,” says one, “I am afraid of heights. Would you remove my fear?”

“No”, he replies, “but I’ll give you a parachute.”

Another pleads for a different strategy, “Couldn’t you change the plans? Let’s crash with the plane. We might survive.”

The pilot smiles and says, “You don’t know what you’re asking” and gently shoves the fellow out the door.One passenger wants some goggles, another wants boots, another wants to wait until the plane is closer to the ground.

“You people don’t understand,” the pilot shouts as he “helps” us, one by one. “I’ve given you a parachute; that is enough.”

Only one item is necessary for the jump, and he provides it. He places the strategic tool in our hands. The gift is adequate. But are we content? No. We are restless, anxious, even demanding. …

We, too, ask God to remove the fear or change the plans. He usually answers with a gently shove that leaves us airborne and suspended by his grace.

Truth be known, some of us discover we have a fear of heights when we are dangling above precarious circumstances – suspended by his grace alone. We’d rather have our feet firmly planted on the ground. We want certainty and facts. We feel a need to know all is going to work out the way we planned. In fact, if we can’t be sure of the outcome of our problems, we’d rather not have them at all. Like Paul, we ask God to please make them disappear.

I’m sorry to say I can think of too many examples from my life that could be represented by the excuses listed – especially the “can we change the plan or just wait until we’re closer?” and the fact I want my feet firmly planted, I want the certainty, the facts, I want to know the outcome of my problems. I’m so glad that even though sin separates me from God, and I am not strong enough to remove it nor am I good enough to erase it (Eph 2:8,9) – God is strong enough & good enough. He has already taken care of everything. He sent His Son to die on the cross & rise again for my sins.

While I know that I still don’t get it & most likely won’t ever really get it, that isn’t the point. It isn’t about me getting it or not, it’s what I do with the gift He’s given to me. He’s already provided what I need, His Grace is sufficient whether I remember to hang onto that fact or not. I’m choosing to hang onto & accept His gift of grace.

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I have wanted to learn how to do this for 10 yrs, I thought I had to have a special $50 foot. Since spending $50 for a foot for my sewing machine has never been (& seem to ever be likely to become) a priority this was just always ‘something I wanted to do’. However, my machine is so old that when it was made darning was a normal part of life & I recently learned that the ‘darning foot’ worked as well as the ‘walking foot’.

It is so much fun! I do believe I have a new addiction. I’m so glad I ended up waiting. I never could have left a quilt sitting in the machine before now. The kids are old enough to not mess with it & I have the space in my living room because there is no baby/kid toys & stuff in my living room.

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