I thought I’d be back online to continue with the train of thought – the problem was I obviously didn’t have the train lined up in a row, let alone connected. Did I mention I was and continue to be VERY thankful. Overwhelmed thankful. We did not have to plan for a close family member’s funeral. While, our last week did not include plans of that sort – all thanks and praise to God! – the what if’s-could have’s-almost did’s about did me in. In a second I went from thinking about 5MinFri and all the opportunities we have in life – to a very uncertain, not knowing – all it took was a moment for everything to flip upside-down. As if I was in a snow globe and it was flipped upside-down; shaken hard and quickly; then flipped right-side up again. While I was thankful for all to be right side up it took me several days to put ‘everything’ back where it belonged in my compartmentalized brain. I spent lots of time praying for others who have had to make those arrangements – seems like so many lately, in large groups and blog friends. In one week, there have been two apartment buildings on fire, displacing 45 in one & 40 in the second. So many who have lost so much, just in a quick jolt.

It makes you think. a lot.

about your priorities. your purpose. how your time is spent.

We are not promised tomorrow. I can’t imagine not having Christ as my center. Seven years ago my Grandma went home to be with Jesus. My children & I were with Grandpa and I was able to be strong, focused. Not falling apart. Yes, I cried, but we knew she was in a better place. She was happy. We would see her again. What about did me in last week was the uncertainty. the fear of {fill in the blank}. Not having something I could do with my hands to help. Even though, there isn’t a question as to where any of my family will spend eternity. It was the uncertainty of life here on earth. So, I did lots of praying – and obviously not much making sense. Good thing God knows what I mean and he doesn’t go by what I say. :-D!

*****   *****   *****

So, today is another Five Minute Friday. I’m linking up with Lisa-Jo. Today’s word is Dive.

Interestingly enough, I wrote this week’s 5MinFri last Friday and it not only makes sense, I even used the specific word ‘dive’. I did the 5MinFri I posted as opportunity, but then did another 5Min of writing just trying to get my brain to focus. (Remember, irrationally desperate for the comfort of something normal – blogging.) I thought I’d clarify, or at least write, more & add to it on Saturday, but didn’t have the mental space {or time} to log in and get it posted.

Here are the rules:

1. Write for 5 minutes – no editing, over thinking, or backtracking.
2. Link back to Lisa-Jo’s – invite others to join in.
3. Encourage others by commenting – for sure commenting on the person who linked up before you.

This is your invite – come join the fun!

Haven’t linked up to a blog before? Scared to? The steps are laid out each step of the way. I have to read the steps each time. Remember, we’ve all had to have the first time. We don’t bite :-D! Each week I look forward to 5MinFri, just to get to the point of doing it. Then my heart races, my mind goes blank, and I strongly plan on backing out. (maybe last week I should have :-D!) After all, no one would really notice I’m missing. ‘They’ say the more you do something the easier it gets. I say, I’m still waiting for the easier. {who, exactly are the ‘they’?} 

Then I remind myself this is for fun, no one is critiquing how or what I say {if you are, please don’t tell me :-D}, and those are lies in my mind trying to keep me fearful and trapped. I tried posting really early (Thursday night for me) so I couldn’t see the crowd already gathered, it did make it better, but then life interrupted my plan…see, I’m rambling because I’m afraid to start. and I wrote it last week! So, here goes:

[GO] I am going to make a huge jump and just dive in. Even without having it all figured out in advance. I am going to take this opportunity to announce my plans. Plans I believe are good and in alignment with God’s plan for our family. My business, working from home.

I am going to keep ThoughtfulEscapes as my personal blog. This blog won’t change much, except I will talk about what I am doing at the ‘other’ site. I am going to start a website to be more of a professional workspace, a blog relating to design.

I want to ‘do’ Graphic Design. Graphic Layout. Web Design. eBook layout. Document layout. All things print and web [visual] related layout and design. I love doing this. I do it quickly. But… [why is there always a but?] I don’t know the technical side. My degree is Information Technology/Web Design. [STOP]

*****   *****   *****

{BIG, deep breathes} Okay. This dream. this plan will be out there. As soon as I hit publish. I’m committed to making this work. I have to. We need the income. But the uncertainty of what will happen….can I tell you something?

How about a pretty flower growing in an unlikely place first. This picture makes me so happy to look at. It is from a very special place -I can smell the air, hear the birds and the water. This whole little bush isn’t more than a foot high. The flowers are hardly bigger than my fingernail. and yes, you see it is growing out of rocky ‘soil’. in a place it is more likely to be stepped on than appreciated. It could easily be bruised and crushed. By human feet, horses hooves, or gator tires.

Can you tell I have a problem with avoidance? Avoid confrontation. Avoid fear. Avoid hurt at all cost.

I am SCARED to pieces. I’m SCARED of being crushed. I’m SCARED to fail.

In my opinion, I’ve failed enough. I want this to work. I want to work from home. I want to financially take care of my children. I know, get over it. We all fail. We are human. It is why the song What If? by Jadon Lavik is so very reassuring to me. (if you want the youtube version) However, ….

I’m scared I will put more time into trying and still not make enough. Then I will have *wasted* all this time.

Notice I said my degree is Information Technology. But. I don’t like technical. It makes my head hurt. It makes me crazy. So, how do I do graphic design and layout for print and web without enjoying the technical part? So far, I have lots of headaches, craziness, and I’m going really slowly. Remember when I said earlier, I’m still waiting for the easier. {for example: I have changed the color of some text in this post. I saw it in a different color. Now, it’s back to the default color – why?!}

Okay. So now I’ve ranted. spewed and gotten back into the swing of writing in this cozy little space of mine – with a whole lot of rambling and avoiding. Thank you for visiting. I am posting these fears and frustrations here because of my commitment to staying true and real on this blog. I know I’m not the only one fighting these feelings.

I am totally 100% dependent on Christ.

His strength. His love. His protection.

It is how I get through each year. month. week. day. hour. moment.

I want those truths to be more clear than anything else, and the part of this post you remember. Because of Him, I can face tomorrow. or the rest of the day. or the rest of this hour. I can push publish. Because I choose to overcome my fear with Him holding my hand in love and gentleness. There is no other way.

I’m going to stop talking/avoiding now and go work on the other website. My goal today is to figure out a couple basic things {like the changing text colors!} and be able to make this blog & my website look the way I want them to… Afterall, I’m on WordPress, this shouldn’t be that difficult!!!!! Right, isn’t that why we change over? There is a TON of info online, so far I haven’t found the answers pertaining to me and my sites. Expect changes. an announcement. and more posts. Soon, I hope.

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The name of this blog is Thoughtful Escapes because blogging is an escape of sorts, yet I don’t want to fall into the trap of just spewing.

I want this place to be thoughtful, encouraging, a place to show Christ to others.

A time I reflect on life and the goodness of God.

As I’ve already mentioned [& am tired of saying] 2013 has been a hard year. We have actually made it almost through February without a new [crisis/big life change], but I’m still processing lots. I’m not claiming this as the word for 2013 – but the word ‘process’ has been a thunderously loud chant in my head, heart, and mind this year. I’ve said before, I’m a slow processor. I’m tired of processing; and these are things I’m not able to process ‘out loud’ in this space. Often enough my thoughts haven’t been a safe place, so it’s been very quiet here. I’m avoiding. I’ve ‘written’ many posts in my head, but none could [or should] be posted here. on the internet. It’s hard to get back into writing, but when I do – it’s easy. But then I say too much.

I believe as a result of all this processing, there is change coming. A lot of it. Good changes. but it still kind of scares me. Again, change is something I’m not overly fond of. In fact, I really dislike change. It means what I am used to isn’t real anymore.

I like routine.

I like slow.

I like watching from the edges.

I like planning.

I’m not big on being surprised. but I do like to anticipate [because, you see, then I’ve planned it & it isn’t a surprise]

God is working on me. I’m learning to let go [quickly] to what I like. But it is taking time. I’m almost to the point where change would be welcome to processing though.

I did have a list of random things to tell you, but I forgot what they were.  –> I do remember this from today though – Algebra just might do me in, at the very least it is causing me a permanent headache these days. <–  ugh! I’ve discovered it’s worse to teach than try to wrap my mind around. ‘Cuz you know, for some crazy reason I thought it would be different – I would actually understand it this time through. After all – third times supposed to be the charm! [I’ve been through Algebra in high school, then college, now as a homeschooling parent.] It would help if he wanted to understand. Why can’t I just show him step-by-step how to do it and he understand what didn’t make sense when he read it to himself? He asks me why?! I have no idea! and Christine still has to do it too. {ugh! ugh! ugh!} if it wasn’t for the fact it actually counts on school records now – I would  so be giving up!

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{This was New Year’s Eve and me trying to take pictures at -20*; I have my settings wrong but it was so dark and cold I couldn’t see to change. When my brother helped me out I did get some better pictures, but by then I actually couldn’t feel my fingers. 🙂 I feel like this picture is an adequate visual of me…everything is there, but you can’t tell what belongs where – it’s all jumbled, BIG time.}

I really wish I had wonderful pictures ready to post, but I don’t. In fact right now I have a tangled mess of nearly 20K photos between my iMac, MacBook Pro, and two different external hard drives. I think all 20K are on all four devices, but they’re organized differently on each so I’m not completely sure. To top it off the iMac won’t work and I’m so weary of calling Apple to have them walk me through fixing it over-n-over-n-over again. Seriously, I’ve had the machine for 13 months now and I’ve called them 25+ times for help. Half those calls were over 2 hours, and at least a fourth were 4 or more hours! My brain refuses to even calculate how many hours of my life has been spent on the phone with them. Since I’ve had it, I think I’ve comfortably used the machine twice for a couple hours before it got stuck and stayed messed up until I call……. anyway, I’ve digressed to whining so I’m going to stop now. 🙂

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Be present is a phrase that has been going through my head quite a lot lately.  It has been a convicting thought for me. 

I am physically present.  I am physically present with my kids all day, almost every day – 98% of their life is spent with me.  However, I am not always emotionally or mentally present.  This is my conviction.  It is not good enough, right, or okay to not be emotionally or mentally present for my children.  After all, God entrusted them to my care here on earth, and as humans created in God’s image we crave relationship.  When the mental state of our home is me just being there (as in adult on duty) for too many days in a row, it starts to show in my childrens’ attitude and outlook on life.  I start to get frustrated with the kids, until I realize, once again, it is my fault.  It is my fault because by my not being emotionally or mentally available leaves them feeling left unattended, which they only know to respond to negatively.  I can’t help but compare this to myself: When I “feel” like I don’t feel God in my life, I get cranky.  {The difference, this is my fault too!}


Thankfully, it’s never Him, my Heavenly Father, who isn’t available to me; it’s the result of me not making my appointment with Him.  I have learned over the years in my single parenting walk – I don’t function without daily time with my Heavenly Father.  Some see my “dedication” and are impressed.  When someone says this to me I always feel really awkward.  Usually, this statement is in a moment of the person who is speaking not feeling good enough.  I often say, my daily time is not really is not a result of my dedication, but of my desperation.  My desperation for my Heavenly Father to carry me through each day.  I am incapable of getting through each day {some days it is each moment & hour} without leaning very heavily on He, who is present. Always, He is present.  He doesn’t ever leave us or forsake us {Deuteronomy 31:6 “Be strong and courageous.  Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you.  He will not leave you or forsake you.”}.  He promises. 

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Amongst all that relief is a small, niggling voice that wants to remind me I had a plan for that income – it was the “steady income” I was going to rely on. He has given me 9 weeks to work on getting my business started, my other job is a contract through June – it may or may not be renewed. However, after 8 years of no income – I have had four different jobs since starting school; two out of the house and two online. My reasoning for going to school was to earn an income from home.

I am choosing to not be freaked and instead I am choosing joy, relief, and peace in the knowledge that God has a plan. A perfect plan. A plan to bring Him glory; I am choosing to trust His goodness. He will provide in His perfect way. He promised.

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Psalms 46:10 “Be still, and know that I am God;…” We are to be still in Him, it is not about what we do, or who we are. It is about knowing He is God.

2 Corinthians 3:5 “Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God.” It is not about my competence. The only competence I have comes from God – and then it is His competence thru me. According to the dictionary, the two applicable definitions of competence are 1) a sufficiency of means for the necessities and conveniences of life and 2) the knowledge that enables a person to speak and understand a language.

Psalms 53:1 “The fool says in his heart, ‘There is no God.’…” It says in our heart, we don’t have to profess ‘there is no God’ with our mouths to be a fool. If we act as if there is no God, we are professing in our heart by our actions.

Psalms 53:2 “God looks down from heaven on the sons of men to see if there are any who understand, and who seek God.” He is looking for us to seek Him.

Psalms 65:5 “You answer us with awesome deeds of righteousness, O God our Savior…” You do answer us, always, with awesome deeds of righteousness – not the answer I necessarily want, but what is awesome and righteous.

Galatians 2:16 “know that a man is not justified by observing the law, but by faith in Jesus Christ…but by observing the law no one will be justified.”

Galatians 2:21 “I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!” If I were able to be justified or I could gain righteousness through the law, then Christ died for nothing! Thank you, Heavenly Father, for giving your Son, to die for my sins. Sins I don’t intend to commit. Sins I may harbor in my heart. Please, keep me from being a fool in my heart.

Psalms 66:5, 20 “Come and see what God has done, how awesome his works in man’s behalf! … Praise be to God, who has not rejected my prayer or withheld his love from me!” My God is a God who does awesome works in my behalf, He has not rejected my prayer, nor has He withheld His love from me!

Galatians 3:10 “All who rely on observing the law are under a curse, for it is written: ‘Cursed is everyone who does not continue to do everything written in the Book of the Law.’

Galatians 3:12 “The law is not based on faith;…”

Galatians 3:13 “Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us…”

If I rely on the law, I am cursed. Christ redeemed me from the curse by dying on the cross for me.

Mighty to Save

by Hillsong

Everyone needs compassion

Love that’s never failing

Let mercy fall on me

Everyone needs forgiveness

The kindness of a Saviour

The hope of nations

Saviour

He can move the mountains

My God is might to save

He is mighty to save

Forever

Author of salvation

He rose and conquered the grave

Jesus conquered the grave (2x)

So take me as You find me

All my fears and failures

Fill my life again

I give my life to follow

Everything I believe in

Now I surrender

Saviour

He can move the mountains

My God is might to save

He is mighty to save

Forever

Author of salvation

He rose and conquered the grave

Jesus conquered the grave (2x)

Shine Your light and let the whole world see

We’re singing

For the glory for the risen King – (Jesus) – (2x)

Saviour

He can move the mountains

My God is might to save

He is mighty to save

Forever

Author of salvation

He rose and conquered the grave

Jesus conquered the grave (2x)

Shine Your light and let the whole world see

We’re singing

For the glory for the risen King – (Jesus) – (6x)

And if that isn’t enough. He is Mighty to Save. It is not because of what I have done, but because of who He is, He saved me.

Who Am I

by Casting Crowns

Who am I,

that the Lord of all the earth would care to know my name,

would care to feel my hurt?

Who am I,

that the Bright and Morning Star would choose to light the way for my ever wandering heart?

Not because of who I am, but because of what You’ve done.

Not because of what I’ve done, but because of who You are.

I am a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow,

a wave tossed in the ocean a vapor in the wind.

Still You hear me when I’m calling,

Lord, You catch me when I’m falling.

And You’ve told me who I am,

I am Yours.

Not because of who I am, but because of what You’ve done.

Not because of what I’ve done, but because of who You are.

Who am I,

that the eyes that see my sin would look on me with love and watch me rise again?

Who am I,

that the voice that calmed the sea would call out through the rain and calm the storm in me?

Not because of who I am, but because of what You’ve done.

Not because of what I’ve done, but because of who You are.

I am Yours.

I am Yours.

Whom shall I fear?

‘Cause I am Yours,

I am Yours.

(lyrics to both songs from www.lyrics.com)

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Our first snowmen of the winter are in the yard.

I have wonderful photos, I can even see them in iPhoto on my computer and I like them. However, when I try to upload them, those particular pictures are not in my choices in iPhoto. The other 15K photos are, but not the 3 I want right now. Why?

Life is full of so many “Why?‘s”. Life hurts. Life doesn’t go the way we think it should – in so many ways. Life can be fun. Life can be easy. But it isn’t always. We have no promise of easy or fun – so why do we think we need more? I have had several “Why?” questions in many aspects of life. My life. Other’s lives…

Last weekend was our youth group retreat, there was a lot of discussion about

– Why we do or shouldn’t do certain things.
– Why we need our faith to be our own.
– Why God has a certain way He wants us to do things.

I have so many petty “why’s”. Why’s like:

• Why was this fall the right time for me to go back to school and start working? (in addition to being a mom and homeschooling.)
• Why not one at a time or slow changes? I used to have so much time. Not so much anymore.
• Why do children nit-pick and argue with each other?
• Why do I have to be so tired?
• Why don’t I have the energy to scrap/quilt/tat/read?
• Why don’t I just start cutting material for the new quilt I want on my bed?
• Why didn’t I just buy another 1/2 yd of the material I bought for making nightgowns?
• Why did I think I wanted to change the pattern of the nightgowns? (besides, because I always change the pattern & I’ve made that one before)
• Why did I cut the material wrong? (Now I’m 4 inches short & Jo-Ann’s doesn’t have the material!)
• Why can’t I make this Mac do what I want it to?!

These are all so petty in the grand scheme of life. I know that and don’t really dwell on these questions, but they are all there in my mind (and so many more) – some I even say. Why? (especially when I know better)

There are also more serious Why’s I wonder about:

• Why do parents choose to walk away from their children?
• Why is it so difficult and expensive for good families to adopt children needing loving parents and homes?
• Why do children have to adapt to a different parent taking them for periods of time?
• Why do parents inflict this pain on their children?
• Why do parents have to see their adult children make poor choices?
• Why do adult children have to see their parents make poor choices?
• Why do some single parents have to make the choice to send their child(ren) somewhere they don’t feel is safe?
• Why don’t we always just do what God planned for us?
• Why don’t we remember to fully appreciate what He sent His Son to do for us?

Even though these Why’s are more life determining, often we won’t ever know the answer. Why? I have to believe all of my Why’s? sound like an awful lot of whine to my Heavenly Father – but He still listens and He hears me. Unlike me, I tell my children (too often lately!), “I can’t hear whine”. I’m so glad my Heavenly Father listens to my “whyne”.

I have a homeschool magazine I got the beginning of September and I am only about half way through. (I told you I haven’t had time to read) I have to believe the reason why I haven’t read more of this magazine before now is because it wouldn’t have meant the same to me. I am going to write out the beginning of a particular article, and a couple phrases from the ending. It is written towards homeschool parents, but is so true for any one – parent, child, adult, single, married – it doesn’t matter. Our relationship with Christ is ours alone – not for anyone else, ever. It is our responsibility to make time for this relationship. He is always there.

Life doesn’t stop just because you start homeschooling. Sometimes we wish everything else would go away so we could concentrate on the educational tasks before us. Wouldn’t it be great if our clothes suddenly never needed to be washed or mended? If meals just appeared on the table? And better yet, wouldn’t it be wonderful if no one got sick or had financial struggles or felt sandwiched between caring for two generations of family at once? Then, we tell ourselves, we would have time for planning all those creative lessons and grading all those papers we’ve assigned.

But that is not how our wise and loving Heavenly Father has designed things. In His wisdom, He custom designs the events of our days to grow us into the image of Christ. How would we learn patience if no one ever did things that frustrated us? How would we learn to trust Him if we never experienced want?

God is the ultimate homeschool teacher. He individualizes a curriculum for each of us, carefully selecting experiences and people that will draw us closer to Him. There are even pop quizzes and big tests along the way.

Unlike our children, we have the option to ignore His assignments or do them in our own way instead of in a way pleasing to Him. His goal is mastery learning; He will take us through a lesson as many times as necessary to help us learn what we need to know.

…

The more times we refuse to learn, the tougher it gets. Rebellion reaps its own reward.

…

God is building a unique life message in each of us, using our experiences, temperament types, and spiritual gifts to advance the kingdom of Christ on earth through us in unique ways. No one else has exactly the same life message to share as you do. God doesn’t use cookie-cutters to make us or to design our curriculum. Washburn, M. (Sept/Oct 2009). Homeschooling through difficult times. Home School Enrichment, #41, 48. [I’m guessing I didn’t do the citation right, but this isn’t for class 🙂 … besides, why does it matter? As long as I give credit where credit is due, isn’t that good enough?]

We will always have why’s in our life. Some we will get the answers to. Many we won’t. But when we have Jesus Christ as our personal savior, we have hope. Hope for a new beginning.

But the joy for the Christian homeschooler is in remembering that we get a fresh start with every new day. As the author of Lamentations said, “It is of the LORD’s mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning” (Lamentations 3:22-23). Hang onto that promise as you work through the daily challenges of life on earth. (from the same article, page 49)

I am so thankful I have a Heavenly Father who has so perfectly orchestrated my life individually, to work together with others as a whole – for His good purpose. I don’t have to understand why, I just need to rest in Him. He does not fail.

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