Anyway, on to a form how reflection. More like, a question to you – how do you reflect? I don’t remember if I’ve ever said it here or not and I’m not going to take the time to check right now. But for some reason, I’m in charge of technical stuff in our house. Now, my household is my two children & I, but we live in an apartment attached to my parents’ home. So, the two of them live on the “other side” of the house…

In this house we are 70, 68, 43, 19, and 16. It isn’t the 19 OR the 16 year old who are interested in keeping everything running or even know how to hook up the TV to the DVD or the Apple TV or the Kindle Fire Stick – no, I hook it up and they run the remotes. Remotes confuse me. They’re wireless, they don’t have cords so you can just look at the other end to see what is connected where. I’m a hands on, visual person. I require color to understand. Wireless doesn’t come with color. Much like apps versus using a real website – why?? I guess you could say I’m an old fashioned technical geek? So… on those notes. Today I’m going to reference the post I posted on the other site’s 31 Days | Virtual Organizing. Today is on Save or Save As. As I wrote on my other blog (& so far all of the other posts too) I keep thinking how true this is in life as well. I find it interesting how our humanness penetrates everything, even technology – I’m going to attempt to explain my rambling.

To save a file in the computer, or a memory in your mind or your child’s mind. You simply save. It will stay named as-is, and the location will remain where-is. This happens naturally without much effort – in fact if you use Google Docs, or other Cloud based drives it will automatically save for you without you even telling it to “save”.

This is great, it can be super helpful, but it also can completely fill up your drive space with a whole lot of nothing of value. Think about all the auto saves when you’re writing an email. Have you ever tried to search and you find like 150 of the same email because it’s every version from the time you started writing to the time you sent it (or is it just me who can take hours to write an email?)

Back to memories, you naturally hang onto a lot. In addition, look how easily we can take photos of anything to “remember” it, but is this always helpful or can all of the “saves” bog down our memories? Especially since the saving happens as-is, where-is. Think about all the times our children upset us or we upset them. If every hurt is saved, our heart, mind, and soul get bogged down. We have to let things go – or “re-file” them where they belong.…which is where we can use a “Save As” in life.

To Save As, you make a deliberate choice. You don’t accidentally Save As.
Praise is a Choice.

Save As is when you save a file to make a duplicate – but you have to change the file name or location. You can’t have two exactly the same in the same place. Just like you can’t have two people have the exact same memory of an event – the memory’s location is different (two different people’s heads). And one person can’t have two different accounts of the same memory. I believe this is where perspective & expectation come in.

As a single parent our perspective is different than other friends who are also parents, or other friends who are single and not parents (besides the obvious of we are all different) – where do we fit? I believe it is our expectations that really get us into trouble though. Please don’t get mad at me, but I wonder – is single parenting harder or is it just different than our expectations?

My perspective on married life growing up = when you got married it was for life. One decision, repeatedly pre-decided to stay together many times. Yes, it would take work. No, it wouldn’t always be easy.

My expectation was based on the belief we were raised similarly in Christian homes, my expectation was based on he actually meant what he said. I had no concept of the effects of alcohol. I had no concept of what abuse looked like other than hearing (reading in a book) about someone with obvious bruises. I had no concept of the hurt in me from previous abuse, which completely tainted my perspective.

I needed a “Save As” as badly as most days I need an “undo”!

To “Save As”, is to know you’re going to save something – but you want it in a different location and/or a different name. Praising the LORD’s name works like a “Save As” in life. When we focus on Him, our perspective will change to line up with how He sees us.

Please don’t get me wrong – I am not saying single parenting is easy. I know it isn’t! I’m also not saying “fake it ’til you make it” – honestly, I’ve begun to wonder if that is a lie from the pit. I do need to choose to Praise Him, I do need to choose to put one foot in front of the other many days, but these aren’t the same as faking everything’s okay today.

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What is love? 

We use it for so many thing it really doesn’t apply to. Such as cars, clothes, food, movies, music, etc.

This is what 1 Corinthians says:

Love is patient
Love is kind
Love does NOT envy or boast.
Love is NOT arrogant.
Love is NOT rude.
Love does NOT insist on it’s own way.
Love is NOT irritable.
Love is NOT resentful.
Love does NOT rejoice at wrongdoing.
Love rejoices with the truth;
Love bears all things;
Love believes all things;
Love hopes all things;
Love endures all things;
LOVE NEVER ENDS.

How many times a day do we blow this? Are you always patient with your child/children? Are you always kind to your child/children? Do you always believe your child/children when they tell you the truth?

We know we love our child/children, but do they always know?

Just a quick thought for today. As I reflect on my children being younger and as my son received the most recent box from my daughter & I today – I sure hope they know a little bit of how much I love them!

(you can expect some changes to the way the website looks…I don’t know why photos are uploading so dark)

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Oh my. I don’t think I’ve ever heard it or read it before. But I won’t ever forget it!

He brought me out into a spacious place;
He rescued me because He delighted in me.
2 Samuel 22:20

I like my space, but I feel vulnerable in spacious places. I tend to hold my emotions close. but…

He brought me out into a spacious place;

When He brings you & me into spacious places, we can trust Him. He will protect us both.

He rescued you & me. God, our Heavenly Father, sent Jesus Christ to rescue us. Jesus already died on the cross for my sins, for your sins, then He rose again three days later because He CONQUERED death.

He rescued me…

Why did He rescue you? Why did He rescue me? because He delights in you! because He delights in me!

because He delighted in me.

God, the Creator of the whole universe, delights in you. God, the Creator of the whole universe, delights in me.

As a parent, I want to draw my children out. I want to rescue them. I delight in them. Just as my Heavenly Father wants the same relationship with me.

As a single parent, I especially want to protect & rescue my children. I want to protect them from the hurts, the consequences, of my mistakes. I want to rescue them from hurts I inflict, from consequences of my actions. … but this isn’t what my Heavenly Father wants me to do.

Just as He brought me out into the spacious place – He wants to bring them into the spacious place He has for them. He wants to rescue them because He delights in each of them.

I hope this is an encouragement to each of you today.

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I don’t have a three year old and a 10 week old.
I don’t have a four year old and one year old.
I don’t have a five year old and two year old.
I don’t have a six year old and three year old.
Those were the years of being a single-but-not-yet-divorced mom.

When my children were young, I was involved in the leadership of many activities – MOPS Steering Team, AWANA leader, Bible Study teacher, Sunday School teacher, and helped with Women’s Ministry Events – I/we were involved with all of these for the first three years of our single parent days. I don’t regret those days at all. We needed the activity because we would meet with my (not yet*) ex-husband once a week in a public setting. Wednesdays. It would take us until Friday or Saturday to recover from the two hours, then Sunday – Tuesday were kept busy so we didn’t go crazy in the apprehension of Wednesday coming. Visitation days were just plain awful.

But God. To this day, the most awe-inspiring thing I remember was on the days I felt the most vulnerable God always, Always, ALWAYS had someone I knew who would be wherever we were meeting. Sometimes it was a group of people. Never was it pre-planned. But God knew and He planned. The individual or group wouldn’t talk to me and I didn’t talk to them. They were people from our church family and not necessarily people I would talk to, but I recognized them and knew at the very least I had someone to help me call for help if needed. I’m not even sure they knew what was going on – it was the reality my Heavenly Father knew I what I needed. Ironically, the one time the police were called – I’m pretty sure it was the grocery store clerk who called, who knew enough from watching previous visits. That day, I don’t remember seeing someone I knew from church. Even though we were at the grocery store – the day before Thanksgiving.

But now? When I reflect back, there are very few visits that stick out in my mind. Also, I prayed a lot. I prayed for God to erase the bad memories. I knew in order for me to “move on”, I needed to not be able to remember or visualize what went on. I am thankful, because while I have few memories of those years – overall those days were wonderful. I loved being a mom then. (I still love being a mom today – it’s just really, Really, REALLY different!) My children weren’t old enough to understand money. We lived on very little. There usually wasn’t child support, so we lived on odd jobs I might do from home and the Alaska PFDs. Because my dad was committed to my being able to stay home with my children, we’ve continued living in the apartment attached to my parents’ home. I didn’t work consistently because I didn’t have to pay rent or keep lights on or pay for heat. I paid for my car insurance and gas, food, and necessities such as toilet paper & dish soap, etc.

My point in this? More than a decade later, I know in my head those days were hard. some were truly awful. … but overall, what I remember are good times with my children, and I am so thankful!

I remember I used to think – in five days, five months, five years, ten years, or even fifteen years – will I remember this [whatever hardship]? Now – it’s been more than fifteen years! I can honestly say, nope. I know there were many hardships, but I don’t remember specific details. I remember those days fondly.

The other question I remember pondering, will this parental battle be worth it? They must have been, because my children have mostly grown up – one is considered an adult – and they’re good kids. Yes, there has been conflict, but overall – it’s all good.

Now: I’ve been a single mom for 16 years.
Now: Now I have a child in college and my baby is a junior in high school. They are 19 & 16!
Now: I’m staring to stare down the reality of children no longer at home.

*We were separated for three years before he filed for divorce.

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I’ve realized a few other first thoughts when I think about traditions are actually from my childhood, but not necessarily what I do with my children. I’m finally in a place where I can realize because our family dynamic is so different from what I grew up with, it is okay. Traditions can change, it doesn’t mean they have less meaning. I’m learning the value in accepting and embracing change. Two years ago, my children & I packed up on Christmas Eve morning and went to spend the night at friends’ house. We were with their family for Christmas morning and through the whole day – it was very different, but fun memories were made. We didn’t experience our traditions, instead we participated in theirs.

As a child:

• Christmas music was not allowed to be played until after Thanksgiving dinner. My mom was always really strict about this (except, today – she listened to Christmas music as she was here alone for a couple hours & put up white lights outside.).
• We always had a real tree, so while Christmas decorations & music were pulled out, the tree didn’t go up right away. I don’t remember a specific date the tree would go up –  for sure not before Thanksgiving dinner, but sometime soon after, but not so soon it would start losing needles before Christmas – or die before New Years. My mom always kept it up until New Years, then before we went back to school we had to help put it all away (I hated that – so I’ve changed it!)
•  On Christmas Eve, we would go to my grandparents’ home with my dad’s sister & her family – this is when we opened gifts between the families, then we would all get dressed up and go to the candlelight service (at 11pm?). My grandpa was the pastor of the church – we only did this the seven years we lived in WI, but nearly 30 years later it still seems as if we ought to go.
• Christmas morning was at our house with just our family of five, we didn’t have a lot of money growing up (my dad was finishing school/working part-time & my mom was home with us kids) we got stockings and one main gift. We never felt cheated or like we had less.
• Then we’d go back to Grandpa & Grandma’s and spend the afternoon/evening. Christmas was about being with family and friends.

As a mom: I can’t really remember the first two Christmases, being a mom was so new and traditions in life were not a priority. I do know my son’s 1st Christmas was in OR, we lived in the biggest two-bedroom apartment I’ve ever lived in, but we shared our space with fleas & cockroaches. [Ewwww! I’ll take my small one bedroom apartment, thankyouverymuch!!!] I mostly remember trying to keep Vince on a large blanket on the living room floor; he was only 5 months, but he’d already been crawling for a month. I do remember a tree, but no ornaments, lights, or other decorations. Vince’s 2nd Christmas I was pregnant and had the flu, and our family had an absentee father/husband. He was out-of-state working, but things were really not good.

By Vince’s 3rd Christmas, we were a single-parent family; Vince was 3 & Christine was 4 months. I remember feeling like such failure – I didn’t know or understand how a family could be a family without two parents. I did not know, or grow up knowing, anyone who had been divorced. At that point I realized I needed to make changes in what I thought was necessary to celebrate holidays. Our family looked different than any I knew. Since then I’ve tried a few consistently different things, namely adjusting my focus. It’s been 14 years now. I won’t lie and say it’s become easy to hang onto the idea that one parent and two children are a family. There are moments of intense ache because of this fact in our life, but when I find myself longing for something different, I choose to Give Thanks.

I give thanks for the blessings we have each day – even when it doesn’t feel like a blessed day. With our Heavenly Father, we always have the hope of a future meant to glorify Him. He promises (Jeremiah 29:11 <- look in the sidebar, to the right & up). I am still and will always be: His child, His daughter, and He is King of Kings – no matter what my temporary circumstances may look like.

Christmas music is supposedly not allowed to be played until after Thanksgiving dinner. (However, the last two years I’ve realized when I play Christmas music earlier I am able to make gifts without it being the very last moment when I finish. So I’ve fudged on this, and my daughter’s been listening to it for a while, and Vince is still adamantly against :-D).

Our live tree in 2008….

Ugh, our  living room looked awful! This is before we had a real couch. You can see Vince’s desk to the left, and all my office/homeschool stuff on the right. This is also before I pulled the carpet out of my living room. This is when my walls were newly painted blue; I’d painted them the night after our first campaign, November of 2008. I was afraid I’d hate them and have to paint it back (which equated to a waste of time & money)…. Today, I still love my blue walls as much as I did when I painted them – six years ago!

Our three porch trees….

I don’t put wrapped gifts under the tree until Christmas Eve night – usually because I’m still making them :-D! Did I mention, for the most part – we make/upcycle all our gifts? There are a couple reasons for this – we’ve never had a lot of money, so buying a lot of gifts is out of the question. Simply not an option. This has been normal for my whole life – but I have also found, I’d much rather make our gifts. I hate shopping. So, shopping and spending money I don’t have/shouldn’t spend is exponentially not appealing to me. There are times we do buy things of course, but it’s not expected. Additionally, for our extended family – we’ve all approved and prefer recycle/upcycle gifts. If we’re in a thrift store or having something we know someone would like – we give it to them. No shame, no explaining. It is so much fun and we appreciate giving and receiving because no one feels as if they have to do anything. Also, if you don’t want to wait until Christmas – you can give it to them early and (gasp!) they can open it right then!

We have chosen to make the holidays about family – not activities/events, not stuff, or traditions/obligations we have to do.

Thankfully, all of us are okay with this. A few years back my mom & one brother thought we should draw names because there were getting to be so many of us (12 at the time) and some were struggling with letting go of the idea to buy for everyone… we all hated it. we didn’t stick with it. most of us still did gifts for others, because it’s what we wanted to do. We altered the “rule” to be you just couldn’t give the “extra” gifts at our Christmas exchange. That was the year I really realized the blessing in giving – when I felt it was “against the rules” to make a gift for my dad – I couldn’t not make a gift. (yes, I have an issue with rules. I struggle greatly when I break them, but I regularly doN’T keep them. Personality conflict anyone? :-D)

I try to have Christmas decorations up by Dec 1st, and I usually take them down by the 29th. I want to bring in the New Year already cleaned & organized. There have been a few years we had a real tree, but for the last several years we’ve had 3 fake porch trees grouped together. I got these trees on clearance many years ago and because they’re different & unique and not a “normal” fake Christmas tree – I like them. As the kids got bigger and with all of us in the living room each day, a full size tree was just too much. These fake trees are tall, narrow, and small enough to fit in the living room – but I’ve bent the wire limbs down to put them away and “fluffed” them for too many Christmases. The last couple times I’ve put them away I’ve thought they wouldn’t make it thru another Christmas – I fully realize I may have to do something different this year. Last year there were a couple wire limbs I held to the trunk with the lights :-).

We have had a tradition since both of my brothers’ wives have their families within just a few miles – we have the eve of Christmas Eve. It’s our family’s re-creation of “Christmas morning at Grandpa & Grandma’s”. So, on the eve of Christmas Eve all of the kids open their Christmas jammies (started as matching, then went to coordinating – we haven’t talked about what we’ll do this year. The kids are ranging from 2-17 & we’re too cheap to buy expensive matching…), then it’s a big sleepover and we get up in the morning for “Christmas morning” on Christmas Eve. So on the real Christmas Eve we open gifts between our extended family (14 this year!). Christmas Eve evening is a hangout (maybe with family friends) time and I’m usually finishing up gifts :-). This way both brother’s can have their own family time on Christmas morning and time with their in-laws without stressing – trying to be with everybody on the same day.

Christmas morning I have with my two, then we move over to mom & dad’s. This is when we eat kringle, read the Christmas Story, and then the last bit of exchange between the three of us and my parents. We pretty much still stick to one main gift and stockings.

This year is bringing yet another shift in our traditions. My son is 17!!!!! He got his driver’s license yesterday. After his test we went to say happy birthday to my sister-in-law, then he brought me home & drove back to my brother’s house so they could go running, then he brought his sister & himself home. This is going to be WEIRD!!! After cello lessons his friend came out to meet us so Vince could go to his house to spend the night – I took him to the meeting point (so I could have the car today) and watched as they drove away. So very, very strange. I realized as I spent a lot of unexpected/un-planned time at home alone yesterday and last evening- this holiday season will be much different than ever before. In the past, the kids would have activities and I would drive them, I either planned for errands – or it was time I’d spend reading in the car. Also, this is probably next to the last “for sure” Christmas with Vince at home.

Even with all the changes – there are constants. Our Heavenly Father. Thankfulness. Family.

What does the holiday season mean for each of us? For our family, November is a continuation of thankful living. We might vocalize it more – but not much is different, except for making even more of a point to have together time. We are blessed to be part of a family where all involved appreciates the value of family and makes a point to be together. Both of my brother’s have in-laws who are family friends too. So, it makes for fairly simple planning for family gatherings. For example, we know one brother & his family won’t be with us on Thanksgiving Day – it isn’t an issue, we’ll gather for a different dinner. It’s not about a single meal in a month, but we’re trying for weekly (or close to) family dinners while Zach & his family are here from the Philippines. We are blessed. I know there are many who don’t have this kind of relationship with their family, and/or in-laws, my heart aches for you. I am praying you are able to see God’s gift of love for you in spite of those hardships.

Where am I in the planning & traditions for this year? So far, now in the middle of November….

• We have no snow. as in zero.
• I’ve not started listening to Christmas music. (I did once, the weekend in October when I did a bunch of cleaning/sewing for my niece’s birthday, and I was sick)
• I’ve not started making gifts. (but I have ideas in my mind, I think I even have most of the supplies too)
• Tomorrow is our second whole family dinner in a week, in honor of my sister-in-law’s birthday. (whole family = 14 of us, but dad isn’t here this week)
• We are now less than 2 weeks from Thanksgiving….. and I have to figure out how to make Swedish Kringle be Gluten Free/Dairy Free/Egg Free (could be interesting, not sure the egg free part will work at all).
• In two weeks I’ll be pulling out Christmas decorations. :-D!!!

This year, I challenge you: Don’t stress about buying/giving gifts. Focus on time spent with family & friends instead. You won’t ever regret it.

The holidays can be a gift to us: A time to enjoy simple things, have life be a little different – a time to appreciate our many blessings in life. NOT a time to create ginormous to-do lists to add to our already over-burdened schedules. Participate in the activities you want; if you don’t necessarily enjoy it, re-evaluate – do you really need to attend?

May I make a couple suggestions?

1. Instead of buying all those friend gifts – stop, call your friend and make an appointment with them to visit over coffee/tea/cold drink, whatever – at your house, at their house, at a coffee shop, at a book store, wherever you are both comfortable. It doesn’t have to be for a long time, it doesn’t have to be fancy, it doesn’t have to be a meal. Just stop & visit face-to-face, even just an hour can be so meaningful. (I’m not against buying stuff, just suggesting an alternative for when you simply can’t. Who knows? Maybe you’ll find it better than buying in the future :-D.)
2. All the holiday cookies? Simple, don’t make them. Make the ones for your family you know you really enjoy. No one needs all those baked goods any more than any other time of year. If you wouldn’t normally consider making 10 different kinds for one event/evening – why do it now?
3. Don’t go too overboard on decorations. … (they do all have to be put away :-D)
4. Take time to rest and enjoy the season.

I’m so glad Patience Brewster contacted me and asked about our family traditions, inspiring me to continue now, when the blog world is thinking about Christmas planning. I’ve written and re-written this post so many times in my head, and I’ve never actually written it all out. (you know how it goes, when someone else asks it becomes a higher priority :-D). Thank you, Patience, for the opportunity to do a “for real” blog activity :-).

I really do enjoy blogging – once I get started :-). Thanks for reading.

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There are a number of things that immediately come to mind when I am presented with the idea of a “break”:

• read – I usually have no less than 3 or 4 books to choose from, a magazine or two, and a whole list of blog posts sitting open on my computer waiting to be read.
• music – I love music on. Music I can understand the words to: Praise|Instrumental|Country|Disney music, all kinds depending on what else is going on in the day determines if I can handle the extra words or not.
• quiet – I relish quietness anytime. for hours on end.
• view – I love the idea of sitting inside with huge windows and a marvelous view; a book, hot drink, fireplace & cozy place to sit, with a blanket. alone or with one or two friends. I love the outdoors – from inside :-D.
• sew – I haven’t done this as much in the last couple years because my set up tends to make my neck hurt and requires too much moving piles before/after I sew. Need to fix this. I have so much material, but not a ton of ideas right now.
• paint something (wall, dresser, some kind of project that has been waiting) – I was giddy about getting to help my brothers paint the inside walls of the one brother’s hangar between Christmas & New Years – to the point I had a hard time sleeping the night before.
• clean my house – do not be mistaken, my house is not overly clean. More like I enjoy having a clean(er) house and the deep clean/organization of a project finished. Due to size, it really only takes about 20-40 min to do “normal” surface/bathroom cleaning. I am a pile person, so those are ALWAYS there. However, when I have 6+ hours and nothing else pressing (hahaha – I crack myself up!) I need to clean the above mentioned sewing/bedroom/office areas….when I do, I know I will relish the organized clean for as long as it lasts. 😀
• I want to learn how to doodle/paint canvases/art journaling. I’m working on just starting. I have a hard time “doing nothing” to practice and just be. This is part of my learning to receive this year.

But what really fills my soul?  The short answer: ‘just’ being a mom. (please read all the way through – I don’t want you to misunderstand any of what I say)

Being a mom is what feeds my soul. I ache everyday to be “just” a mom to my children. I want to be with them. See them learn, help them, guide them – but not smother them. I struggle to not resent having to earn an income. I absolutely love to do all things design – (but I don’t like it at all when I have to determine the value to be paid. <– this paralyzes me mentally, yet it’s a necessity.)

I have never had a desire to have a career, never had the desire to make money. As a young child, as a high school student, in my one year of college, in the three years of singleness – all I ever wanted was to be a stay-at-home mom with lots of children and homeschool. (I grew up with the assumption that being a mom=being a wife)

My desire to be a mom the way I dreamed has always been “out there”, just out of reach. The last 14 years of being mom (a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom) were not how I expected life to be. But, with God’s ultimate provision, I’ve mostly stayed home. I’ve only spent 2 months working outside of the home, both times were incredibly hard. My Heavenly Father has blessed my earthly father so he could make it a reality for me to stay home because he believed in the importance of a stay-at-home mom and of homeschooling, and I am so thankful!

So, it would be fair to say I dreamed often of the day I might get to answer the “what do you do?” question with “I’m just a mom”. As in being a mom only. not that being mom was in the “just” category of importance, but as in singular activity. While I have had to give up that dream (I’ve been a single parent for 14 years. I am not dating, no prospects of dating, and I’m over 40. I think it’s pretty safe to say it is time to give up that dream.) But…Isaiah 43:18 & 19 says:

Forget about what’s happened; don’t keep going over old history.

Be alert. Be present.

I’m about to do something brand-new. It’s bursting out! Don’t you see it?

I’ve chosen to “give up a dream”, but He chose to give me a secondary taste of my dream in that I get to have a “job” right now, of “playing mom” to my two nieces. Don’t get me wrong – they have both a very loving & involved dad and mom (my brother & sister-in-law) – I am not the girls’ mom at all and would never want it seem as if I was trying to be, but I get to watch them one day a week – and I’m auntie (which almost equates to grandma in fun times :-D). I don’t enjoy babysitting, never have, but we have similar enough parenting styles to make this an easy transition and it’s so much fun! The girls are so well behaved and I get to be the “something different & fun”, not the normal every day for them :-).

[This is the picture my brother sent me this morning as I was writing about my excitement of the girls coming. (I don’t think it’s gotten over 10° today) It’s so nice to know the excitement is a two-way street. :-D]

–>I get to “play house” one day a week: I feed the girls lunch, take the oldest to pre-school, youngest gets her nap, then we go pick up the oldest and do after-school snack. Without thinking about having to work. <– BLISSFUL to me.

Both of my children are teenagers and being mom looks so very different. I have learned in the last six months how to better embrace their getting older, which brought more out-of-the-house classes (part of our homeschool still, but in classes with other homeschoolers). This last fall we were gone every day for multiple hours while they were in a class or two I was forever trying to work at the coffee shop or sitting in the car waiting. It was frustrating, I forever couldn’t access the files I needed. I really resented needing to work, but tried to focus on being thankful I had work. My resentment of working has lessened in the last couple months because I’m not keeping their schedule & working. As of mid-November my son drives, this means he can take them to their classes/youth group/Young Life & this spring his daily track practice, while I stay home and work. It looks different, but I’m still here. I’m still mom. always will be their mom. The best moments are still when they come in the door, whether their eyes are bright, with a big smile, and so excited to share something with me; or their eyes are clouded, heart heavy, and bit more reluctant to share after a bit of quietness. I was afraid I’d lose this connection not being right there when they were done – but God, in His graciousness, has magnified these times of communication when they get home. I believe it has strengthened their bond as siblings and Vince’s in protection of Christine too.

I have learned so much from being mom to teenagers about my relationship with my Heavenly Father. He just wants to spend time with me – it’s not about what I do, how I do it, or if I messed up. It’s about communicating with Him, being His child.

What feeds my soul?

Being mom to my two children + Being a daughter to the King of Kings = Soul-full: rest-full & full-filled

please, please, please read this:

• If are not a mom yet (or repeatedly) & your heart is aching to be, I’m so very sorry for your pain. I don’t have anything to say other than cling to your Heavenly Father. He is the only one who can truly comfort you. Your husband isn’t meant to fill that hole, don’t look for him to, it’s an unfair burden to thrust on him.
• If you are a mom and feel blindsided by the bad-tired-endless days, that is okay! (They will subside, I promise. Someday the littles will sleep more, in the meantime – lean on His strength for each day)
• If you are a mom & want a career/to work from home – that is okay!
• If you are a mom & want a career/to work out of the house – that is okay!

We all have good days/seasons of life and I’m in no way implying life can’t be hard – We will ALL have bad days, no matter what we do, it doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong. There is no guilt or condemnation for what feeds your soul – it is how He made you. Because He made me so this is what feeds MY soul – doesn’t mean it is what feeds YOUR soul.

You are an individual child of the King, uniquely His, and He has His own good purpose for you.

Psalm 139:14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Romans 8:1 There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

As I went to sleep last night I was “writing” this post in my head, in response to the Beloved Brews prompt – then this is today’s post. I love her heart. Finding Spiritual Whitespace: Awakening Your Soul to Rest was a key factor in my learning to put these thoughts/feelings into writing. I so appreciate Bonnie & her vulnerability to start this journey and allow others of us to join her.

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Merry Christmas!

Yes, it is a couple days past Christmas, but it’s not too late to say and I didn’t get to say it to you. So, I’ll say it again, “When I say: Merry Christmas! I really mean: I hope you had a very blessed and merry Christmas.” Remembering the reason we celebrate Christmas and the purpose of the season.

I really do hope this was a true realization for you. I know I had to do a lot of mental readjustment this year. With no cash flow for gifts, it made me realize something interesting about me: while I LOVE making gifts, when it’s a choice because I want to is a lot different than because I have to. Why do I/we have to be so fallen, sinful, human about doing something with the right heart? 😀

Just goes to show and proves: I NEED Jesus Christ. Every day. Every hour. Always.

I wasn’t able to wish you a Merry Christmas on Christmas because {yes, here are my excuses/’reasons’}, leading up to Christmas I didn’t choose to make the time to schedule a post. I thought I’d do it at our friend’s home. But I didn’t. I couldn’t get online on Christmas Eve night and on Christmas day I chose to focus on those I was with face-to-face, rather than worry about figuring out how to connect online. I did write a post late Chrismas night, but it seemed so shallow after the day spent, I chose to remain ‘unplugged’. But, it wasn’t because I didn’t think about you – I prayed for you. I prayed you would know the real spirit of Christmas – Jesus’ love for you. I hope your day was blessed.

Leading up to Christmas Eve I was sewing & crafting until 1am, just 8 hours before I’d planned to leave. Then I started to wrap gifts – I climbed into bed at 2am after wrapping & cleaning the living room. {NOTE: when you aren’t giving a lot of gifts, wrapping doesn’t take long. This is not a bad thing…} I slept until 8:30, then got up on the run. We were blessed to head into town for a couple days with some very dear friends. Friends I have only known a couple years compared to the 20+ years I’ve known most of our other family friends. It was such a blessed time. It was a time of relaxing.

This family has five children – the oldest was first my sister-friend, then she introduced her two youngest siblings to my children, then we parents met. My sister-friend is 10 years younger than me, and her parents are about 10 years older. Her mom and I are friends as well. Only a mom-friend can truly understand the life of being a mom.

Mom-friends, such a beautiful God-given gift.

The four are only 3 years apart – with my two being the bookends: boy (Vince), boy, girl, girl (Christine). We all homeschool and genuinely enjoy being together. These four haven’t seen each other in a while – so off they disappeared. They really only came around every once in a while for food :-), when we went to the Christmas Eve service, and opening gifts.

Christmas morning was a meshing of our two families traditions (which largely were the same: Christ, food, gifts slowly and intentionally, one-at-a-time). Mid-day a couple other singles came to enjoy the rest of the day together, cook together, fellowship together, and eat together. The evening was spent taking a gorgeous walk in the falling snow & playing games. I didn’t play games. I sat on the couch, in front of a beautiful tree and fireplace, and read. As a single parent I can’t state or express how incredibly refreshing it is to hear/see/know your childrens’ love tank is being filled. and not by you. It was truly a blissful Christmas.

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Be present is a phrase that has been going through my head quite a lot lately.  It has been a convicting thought for me. 

I am physically present.  I am physically present with my kids all day, almost every day – 98% of their life is spent with me.  However, I am not always emotionally or mentally present.  This is my conviction.  It is not good enough, right, or okay to not be emotionally or mentally present for my children.  After all, God entrusted them to my care here on earth, and as humans created in God’s image we crave relationship.  When the mental state of our home is me just being there (as in adult on duty) for too many days in a row, it starts to show in my childrens’ attitude and outlook on life.  I start to get frustrated with the kids, until I realize, once again, it is my fault.  It is my fault because by my not being emotionally or mentally available leaves them feeling left unattended, which they only know to respond to negatively.  I can’t help but compare this to myself: When I “feel” like I don’t feel God in my life, I get cranky.  {The difference, this is my fault too!}


Thankfully, it’s never Him, my Heavenly Father, who isn’t available to me; it’s the result of me not making my appointment with Him.  I have learned over the years in my single parenting walk – I don’t function without daily time with my Heavenly Father.  Some see my “dedication” and are impressed.  When someone says this to me I always feel really awkward.  Usually, this statement is in a moment of the person who is speaking not feeling good enough.  I often say, my daily time is not really is not a result of my dedication, but of my desperation.  My desperation for my Heavenly Father to carry me through each day.  I am incapable of getting through each day {some days it is each moment & hour} without leaning very heavily on He, who is present. Always, He is present.  He doesn’t ever leave us or forsake us {Deuteronomy 31:6 “Be strong and courageous.  Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you.  He will not leave you or forsake you.”}.  He promises. 

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This is better – her table decorations & a pretty smile.

A glittery card from a glittery Bumma to a glittery girl.

Can you say ‘Fancy Nancy’? This is a saying in our family, those of us who aren’t ‘fancy’ say it frequently. As far as mom & CJ are concerned there are many things that can’t be too fancy. We don’t even like tinkerbell – but look at her grin because ‘it’s glittery’!

I think the gift Christine will remember for all of her life….Bumpa gave her her own fishing pole, a good pole. But wait – it’s HOT PINK?! and there’s more – it LIGHTS UP when you reel it!!!!!!!!!! Vince considers this a disgrace to fishing, but CJ could not have been happier. (Can you say, seriously ‘fancy nancy’?!) 🙂

For Christine’s birthday last year dad gave her a ‘fairytale cottage’ cake mold… He apologized to me last year because he knew it would involve me. Yes, I made it last year. The non-frosted gingerbread house version shown on the picture. I cleaned it well & tucked it away – hoping, hoping, hoping she’d forget about it or for sure at least not want the same cake 2 years in row. Not so, last week she asked where the mold was & said she wanted a pink and purple cake. My only thought was “Yuck – the house again and it had to be pink & purple?” I put it off & avoided making it until today, hoping she’d change her mind at the last minute. Nothing doing, so here is the ‘Shabby Chic’ ugly-not-so-fairy-tale’ish cottage, and it’s pink with purple trim (the green things are 4 large trees on each corner of the house). By the time I got done with frosting this thing my thoughts were running along the lines of “What a horrible, mean person to think up this idea of 3D molds? Why didn’t they have any thought or consideration for the poor mothers who’d get stuck frosting these things! … or, Ugghhh, the Bumpa’s that fall for the gimmick and buy these horribly-cute-in-the-picture-only things?!…”

(yes, you are seeing 3 different outfits. yes, all these pictures are today. these are just the ones when I took pictures, there were a couple others-besides the 3 sets of jammies in all worn today. it was her day, so I said nothing — to her…)

I can not believe my baby is 9! It is weird to think I have 2 school age children, (not just school age but 1/2 way thru elementary school!) they are no longer preschoolers. Yes, I know they haven’t been preschoolers for a long time, but my mind still has them there. I want to keep them there. I wanted them to grow up with a daddy, not with just me as their parent. I have had a lot of thoughts about my kids not growing up with a dad in their early formative years and what repercussions the 3 of us will have the opportunity to live through as a result. I can’t control the outcome & I have to work at not letting these thoughts overwhelm me. I’m not to live with a spirit of fear, but I also want to go forward with my eyes open, with some idea of what to do. I like a specific list of what to do. There is a verse I read a couple weeks ago & it has stuck with me.

Psalm 138:8 “The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O LORD, endures forever – do not abandon the works of your hands.” This has been very confirming & comforting to me – He will fulfill his purpose for me. It goes well with a passage I’ve been hanging onto for 9 years now. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you.” (Jeremiah 29:11-14)

• He will fulfill His purpose for me. (Each of us.)
• He has a plan for me. (He has a plan & He will fulfill.)
• A plan to give me hope and a future. (Is there any better hope than knowing our future includes spending eternity with Him?)
• Then I will call upon Him, pray to Him and he will listen to me. (He listens & hears me!)
• I will seek Him with all my heart and He promises I will find Him. (He promises I’ll find Him when I seek Him)

WOW! The God of all creation, the ruler of the universe, my Heavenly Father, my Saviour has promised He has a plan for me & He will fulfill His purpose with me. My part, seek Him first.

This is huge – I don’t need to ‘do something’ to make certain things in my life happen. I seek Christ first and all else will fall into place. This doesn’t mean I don’t act responsibly or do my best- but it isn’t up to me! Thank you, Heavenly Father for this provision. A provision I’ve taken for granted, not fully understood, still don’t fully understand. You have a plan & You will fulfill your purpose. Use me. I want my actions & words to glorify You & You alone. Thank you for being the father to the fatherless. Thank you I do have my dad & brothers in my kids’ lives. Thank you they are men who desire to live for You. Help me to teach the children You have entrusted to me to walk in Your paths, to seek You first, to rest in You.

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Once again our family is going through major changes – changes I am sure will be used to God’s glory because the decisions have been covered in lots of prayer directly for several months and indirectly for years. I have had to make a decision I feel is huge. Quite honestly, next to going to court this is the hardest thing I’ve done in my life and the hardest day is yet to come. I have enrolled my children in school. This is temporary; it is just for this year until I finish my associates degree. One week from today I will take my children to school for the first time in our lives. For the first time ever I am not deciding what school supplies they need, I am not deciding what they will learn, what we will start with, how our days will “look”; they need school clothes; and we need appropriate food in the house for making packable lunches for multiple days at a time [I totally have absolutely no idea how to do this! – we have always eaten what we want at the moment and most often just heat up leftovers].

I am a home school mom at heart. I have always said I will home school as long as it is working for us, this is not an indication of home school not working for us. There just simply is not enough of me to be the best single mom, home school mom, full-time student, and part-time employee to go around. Being a home school mom is the one element that could change with the least amount of long-term consequence. I should be done with my degree in April -Lord willing we will be back to home schooling next year.

This has honestly been a heart-wrenching process on multiple levels for me. Registration day was earlier this week and filling out all the paperwork was truly a nightmare – I can’t really put my finger on why, other than wondering “why on earth do they need to know all this information about us?!” I am keeping this explanation fairly short and simplistic because I don’t have the energy to say more – emotionally, mentally, or physically without rambling. I am hoping and praying to be a better mom than I have been over the last year and for the grace of God and love of Christ to spill out of us onto others in this process.

Although I said in my last two posts I have prayed Jeremiah 29:11-13 most consistently over the last 10 years. That verse is why I have the confidence to go forward with this plan, but this is the verse I am clinging to most desperately right now. Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. I Thessalonians 5:18

Be joyful always ~ can’t say I’ve done very well at this, especially not lately.

Pray continually ~ this to me is a no brainer, I could not function without my complete dependence on Christ. I have learned over the last 10 years that I do not function at all without an ongoing connect thru prayer, it is how I cope each and every day. I don’t make decisions well, big or small.

Give thanks in all circumstances ~ it really doesn’t say for everything, but in everything. I am working hard to remember this right now. Some days are good, I can give myself an attitude check in the morning and it lasts – lately not so much…

This is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

This is written very simply and rather clearly. It does not say be joyful when times are good, fun, and easy; pray only when times are hard, you need extra help, or if you’re confused; and give thanks when you feel thankful; this is a suggestion from God and the best you can expect from Jesus Christ.

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