It’s that time again.

As Christmas approached and life felt calmer than it had for a long time, I realized I was enjoying the fruits of my one word last year. I had a whole list of words I was debating, interestingly enough, I didn’t remember the rest of them specifically, but as I think over last year I can remember moments of those words all being front and center and choosing to trust above all. In January 2014, I wrote a list for how I was going to choose to trust. Now, a year later, I can see how trust was just a first step (& a glimpse or two of growth).

My word for this year was hard for me to come up with, so much so I was debating if I was even going to “do it”. I was leaning more towards picking a verse to live by, to remember each day at random moments when things were “off”, to filter each upcoming circumstance thru; but then I started seeing all these posts about picking a verse…and the rebellion in me surfaced.

I didn’t want to do what everyone else was doing.

So I did the mature thing (HA!). I decided I didn’t care and wasn’t going to participate in any of “it” this year. I’d just continue to focus on trust. After all, I have a long ways to go yet to be able to say I “get” the idea of trust.

then …

in reading yet another book*; listening to yet another song* and having a resulting conversation with my daughter* (and finding out I was horribly wrong in that conversation*); and a couple Bible Studies later…. I was feeling as if I’d failed the whole year and hadn’t learn how to trust at all…..

then …

there was a verse I’m sure I’ve read before. a verse I know I’ve heard before. but, it seriously slapped me in the face, Isaiah 43:18 & 19 from the Message, it stood in front of me waving it’s arms to get my attention – then it hit me. hard. like knocked the wind out of me:

“Forget about what’s happened;
    don’t keep going over old history.

Be alert. Be present.

I’m about to do something brand-new.
    It’s bursting out! Don’t you see it?”

What?

• Forget about what’s happened?* I thought I was supposed to remember so I don’t repeat the mistakes I’ve made in the past.
• Don’t keep going over old history? I thought I was supposed to learn from the past in order to not waste the pain. I knew I wasn’t to dwell on it, but I did think I was supposed to use it as a reference point.*
• He is going to do something brand-new?* So, I should anticipate change?* I should look forward to something new? “It’s bursting out? Don’t you see it?” To me, this sounds like it means it’s something good, not to be afraid of. (I realize Jeremiah 29:11 says He has good plans for us, but I still haven’t ever enjoyed change, or the idea of change.)

When I read this, I all of a sudden had the image of me pushing His gift of grace & unconditional love back into His hands, of me telling Him (by my actions) Jesus wasn’t/isn’t enough. I was sickened. I’m sure it was the combination of doing an Advent Bible Study (an actual study, not activities like I’ve tried in the past) and working on Christmas gifts that His ultimate gift/giving a gift were so closely at the front of my mind. Since June I’ve been trying to grasp how extravagant our God is*. This is NOT a philosophy I’ve grown up with, believe, exercised, or even really considered to be truth – until June 2014.

Mind boggling. I realized I really did need to branch out my focus for 2015, to not just to focus on trust. but instead, what I was going to do with trust. I continued to pray & ask for help to see what He wanted me to see, hear what He wanted me to hear, and then trust what I saw & heard. I knew there were still pieces missing in my mind.

Then, in church another verse got me. Romans 12:12

“Rejoice in hope.

Be patient in tribulation.

Be constant in prayer.”

My answer: Hope. Anticipation. Patience. Prayer.

My answer, but not my word. It didn’t “feel” right, it wasn’t complete. Following is an incomplete copy/paste of my text conversation with a dear, dear sister-friend who knows ALL my ugly, understands my way of thinking, has listened to ENDLESS hours of my verbal processing, and helped me stay focused on Him. (by the way, this conversation was as she crossed over into 2015 and I was still waiting for the clock to turn over)

me: what is the word for imagine/anticipate/expect/look forward to?
her: Man, you said them all
me: there isn’t one word that means all of it? I’m trying to summarize my ‘one word’ for 2015. last year was trust – this year, Is 43:18&19 in the message is what I want to hang onto each morning
her: Expectancy…….Hope
me: hope is what i’ve thought before, but i feel like the desperate part of hope has dropped off for me
her: Faith is the substance of things hoped for……..hope is made of faith
me: so which comes first
her: They flow together
me: so can you have faith without hope or hope without faith? Im’ confused on which I don’t have. or should i say – which i struggle with more
her: because you need to exercise acceptance. So maybe that is the word, acceptance

(I had forgotten I felt that way about the word hope – until getting on to write this post and seeing I wrote it a year ago. BUT, I’m so excited to note the “desperate part of hope has dropped off for me” without even really remembering it was something I was wanting to see changed!)

So I ushered in the new year thinking ‘acceptance’ was my one word…but I noticed when I’d think about writing it, I felt panicky. as in mind shut down panicky. A couple more days of prayer and a the middle of the night revelation (as in woke me up out of a hard sleep & I still remembered it in the morning!!!).

What was this middle of the night revelation? My problem with ‘acceptance’ was too often I have felt as if I had to accept something/s. circumstances I can’t change. it’s a feeling of being resigned to what is going on. I have a choice to choose a good attitude or not, but I can’t change what is happening.

Receive.

Receive is the word I was looking for. Receive is the word that makes my soul sigh with relief. For your sake (& because of time restraints), I’m not going to explain all this means to me right now. 🙂 What I will say – I am thoroughly anticipating this new year and all it will bring like no other year before. I am eager to receive all He has in store – good and bad. hard and easy. deep and superficial. fleeting and long-lasting. Crazy, but I think I might actually be going down the right path. with the lights on so I can see.

* these are all bunny trails you can thank me for NOT taking you on (for today at least :-D). However, you can expect to see them brought up again in future posts. Just as soon as I can wrap my brain around processing them and writing it out.

I am linking up with the Faith Barista for Beloved Brews.

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Happy New Year!

I can’t say I’m sorry to see the year go :-), at a time of much reflection I am once again behind the curve. What can I say? While I am mentally thinking through the last year. and seeing lots of cute printables to help you reflect on the year. and while they are good and right. I just can’t go there yet. I’m still processing too much from the last year.

I can quickly say, believe, and mean with my whole heart:

• I am thankful for my salvation through the blood of Jesus Christ. {inspite of me. and all I have done wrong. He forgives and loves me anyway.}
• I am thankful we have a warm house to live in. {yes, it is small – but it is our home and I’m incredibly thankful to have a space to call our own.}
• I am thankful I have a vehicle. {yes, I just cut my vehicle in half. I went from a minivan to a Ford Focus. But I didn’t have to buy a new car to pay less in gas. My dad did it for me.}
• I am thankful for resilient children who have been incredibly gracious. {yes, they are gracious. Some days more so than others. They haven’t complained about eating weird food combos or not being able to buy fun, convenience foods. Eating what is in the pantry is sometimes very strange. I am incredibly thankful for them EVERYday!}

I am still at the point of quickly knowing I am thankful for these things, but I’m not yet seeing the good to come from the hardships & lessons of 2012. I can’t quite talk about all the good yet because I’m still digging for it. Waiting for it to show itself.

I can quickly come up with a long list of hurts and disappointments of 2012 – some preconceived expectations and the resulting seemingly overwhelming disappointment. However, I do not want to magnify those things – I want to remember good. So I won’t say more than what I have already – it was a hard year :-). BUT we had a very blessed Christmas.

I will say I now have a better understanding of how blessed we have been. As I stated in the post about not having a budget for Christmas, money has been a bit elusive of late. Not very fun. A year ago, this wasn’t how I anticipated the year. We’d had an epic 2011 – it took two very long posts (Jan thru mid-June and the rest of the year), with no photos to cover the year. Ya, and I never made it back to plugging photos in to fill in any of the blanks. I had big plans for 2012. Blog plans. Business plans. They didn’t happen. They are part of the nuggets of 2012 I haven’t figured out yet. I’m still working on cleaning the outside dirt off……  So, :-)…. I am really not being as cynical as I’m afraid this is coming off. I am in a good place for starting a new year and I’m eager for it.

Happy New Year!

May you be blessed and experience God’s unending grace and love in the new year.

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Trust me when I say, it really may seem like no big deal as you read, but what I can’t explain in words is the emotional passage each of these events brings. Separated out over time we would have learned from, and moved on – with lots of time in between. Bumps in the roap, but not earth shattering. However, we haven’t had the privilege of time between events, we’ve had a matter of days between each event. The month has been intense enough that even my mom & sister-in-law who aren’t normally bothered/shaken by life events  have had a few shaky breaths lately {they process things quickly and are able to move on – I am not blessed with this gift, I am a slow processor whether big or small}. However, I want to repeat something my sister-in-law said – something beautiful, I really don’t want to forget.

This month, our family has just had multiple opportunities to see how much the Lord is protecting our family, each one of us. We’ve seen so much tangible evidence of how much worse it could have been and wasn’t. Just think, each instance. It could have been so much worse. Each time.

Isn’t she wise?

Let me ‘re-cap’ our month of January 2013:

Thursday, January 3rd – 11pm, mom & dad returned home safely from 3 weeks in the Philippines

Friday, January 4th – we did not have to plan a funeral in the USA.

a little later the same week – there was not a funeral associated with our family in the Philippines.

Friday, January 11th – our family was notified of a certain life altering, forever-changing event that will make itself felt in every future family gathering and extended family friend gathering for the rest of our lives. The ripple effect fall out has yet to begin. There is a whole new ‘normal’ for our family, there will NEVER be the thought of the previous normal, ever being present or happening again. Ever. This also triggered 30 years of emotional baggage I had no idea was still attached to me and waiting to be unpacked. It didn’t just unpack nicely onto the bed – it exploded. All consuming explosion.

Every truth & belief I have was stripped to, “Jesus is the same yesterday, today, and forever.”

My life purpose is all for His glory. It is what I want. I am so thankful for His saving grace.

Thursday, January 17th – woke up from my first night of sleep in a week, with feeling & awareness of a new day. Honestly, from the 11-16th was a scary void. A place I’d rather not go again. I suspect the Lord is not done clearing out those suitcases, but He has graciously allowed me to put them aside though for a bit to get my footing again.

Saturday – phew! {deep breaths}. we made it through Friday. it’s been a week.

Tuesday, January 22nd – the last time I wrote. I got an email with the subject line of ‘here’s the bad news. I’ll call in a bit.’ It was dumb, but I really had to get over ‘losing’ my living room floor. Even now, it makes me teary. My floor is forever gone. My illusions of living in a cottage setting. Gone. {trying to come to grips & not just stuff emotion}

BUT – I did find a floor I can live with for a whoppin’ .68sf – once I got the underlayment and the transitional trim into the three rooms I was at a grand total of $1.30sf!

Wednesday, January 23rd – woke up to my 15 year old having the flu. {am I horrible mom to have relished that one day of peace between the siblings? please, tell me no.}

Thursday, January 24th – Vince was still sick. I’m bummed for him, however. Now I had to move all the furniture out on my own! just great. I did manage, with great help from Christine, to get the 4 bookcases, 3 desks, 4 computers & paraphernalia, TV & paraphernalia, millions of CDs & DVDs {yes, I might be exaggerating. a little}, all the books from those bookcases, and all the stuff from those desks – everything but the couch & lamp – into my bedroom by 3pm! I wasn’t sure when the contractor was coming to lay the floor. Christine went to bed early not feeling well, so I slept on my couch ‘cuz I didn’t want to get sick. By the end of the evening, I felt as if an elephant was sitting on my chest, I fell asleep thinking “I should take an allergy pill”. I didn’t get up to take one. {please note: the above picture shows 2 of the 4 bookcases, none of the desks, DVDs, CDs, or the TV or computers!}

Friday, January 25th – Vince & Christine both out for the count with the flu & I felt horrible. But we still needed to find a fire door & I needed to pick up the trim for the transition into the different rooms. By the time I got back I felt even more horrible. All I could think was seriously, all 3 of us – the flu – now?! I wasn’t convinced I had the flu, I don’t typically get sick. I just don’t feel well & usually can just sleep it off. I chalked it up to allergies, stress, tired… Friday night I slept with Christine in mom & dad’s king size bed, with a pillow width wall of blankets & pillows between us. I didn’t want to get sick :-D.

Saturday, January 26th – Christine makes a gallant effort to help me. She thought she felt better. The floor is finished up but by then neither of us has the energy to try to put anything back. Old door cut out, fire door installed. Dust from cutting flooring in my kitchen, cutting sheetrock, cutting out old door, installing new door, my ‘new’ entry all cleaned up. I give up. I think I am sick. We go to bed knowing none of us will be getting up to go to church. Vince was still sick, Christine was re-lapsing, and I was just starting.

Sunday, January 27th – don’t remember, I think we all just slept through it. Basically. I did muster enough energy to go to the store to get orange juice & kleenex. I remember thinking Vince must be a bit better – he was talking back to the TV. and laughing. I desperately wanted to get things put back where they belong, but couldn’t get up for more than a couple minutes at a time.

Monday, January 28th – again, I think we basically just slept through the day. Vince was still sick (all his talking back wore him out). Again, not able to get things put away. Each day my goal was just to get my bed cleared off, so I could sleep in my own bed. The house inspection was supposed to happen, about 1pm I found out it wasn’t going to. I laid down on the couch & didn’t get up again until I climbed into bed.

Tuesday, January 29th – we’re all still pretty miserable, but in different stages of getting well. Vince is finally better. I felt a bit twitchy. After all, it had been a week since the last ‘big news’ and we’ve all been sick, my house was still upside-down, I was still sleeping with Christine because I couldn’t get to my bed. I found out about 3:30 the house inspection wasn’t going to happen again. By 7:30pm I’m thinking about heading to bed. …but at 7:44pm I got a text from mom – my brother & sister-in-law’s house was broken into and they were robbed, while they slept! No one was hurt. The thief broke the window & screens and pulled what they could through the approx. 12″x18″ openings between the window bars.

purse. drivers license. ATM card. camera. cell phone. brother’s iPhone. house keys. car keys. all gone.

They don’t usually carry cash- but she’d just taken cash out earlier in the day.

He usually has the iPhone upstairs – it’s their alarm. She usually hangs her purse elsewhere. that night she didn’t.

These items were left on their kitchen table. inside their house. inside the locked gate. and a 6′ wall with barbed wire & broken glass on top.

The thief didn’t even bother to bring their own supplies – they cut the clothes line & used the wire to ‘fish’ the things from the table. even the iPhone. Thanks to the wonder of Skype, I got to talk to my sister-in-law yesterday – they have all new house locks (3 or 4 of them per door) and their car has all new locks and the remote start has even been changed. They feel very safe, secure, and fortunate. She said it is an eye-opener, a reminder. They let their guard down, but weren’t hurt. They are American. They are a target. Always will be. They are rich. Even if they aren’t rich, because they are American’s they have connections. That equates to richness. We take our ‘connection’s’ for granted.

So, today is the last day of January and other than emotionally, I can’t say I am any further ahead in life than I was on the 31st of December 2012.

Who are you connected to? Are you connected to a Heavenly Father who loves you beyond what you can imagine or think?

Do you remember to NOT take this connection for granted?

We have to purpose to give Him the glory.

To keep our connection with Him fresh. pliable. moldable to all He wants to teach us.

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I didn’t get to posting my |365:oneword| word yet. I’ve been too busy bringing in the new year. 😀 We typically don’t go to movie theaters – but so far this year I’ve double my attendance for the last two years! The last movie I saw in the theater was the first Hobbit in December 2012. On New Years Eve night we re-watched this movie with my parents (my parents hadn’t seen it since sitting in a theater in Manila with my brother & his family) then on New Year’s Day, we saw the 2nd one in 3D in the middle of the day. Such a fun [should-be-new-tradition] way to bring in the new year. We stopped at Walmart on the way home to get different frozen fries and we had hamburgers & french fries for dinner and put in the first Lord of the Rings movie.

The story is making so much more sense! Yes, I’ve ‘read’ the books – mom read them to us when we were kids, but I’ve finally seen enough parts it’s starting to make more sense. These books (& Narnia) aren’t the kind of book I enjoy reading, so it’s taken a while for me to get the story lines. For me, understanding is visual. So while I like a movie to place the pieces – but I’m a wuss, so I have watched a good portion of these movies with my eyes closed. <– this really makes it hard to follow a story line! 😀

Anyway, then yesterday we went again to the theater, with my mom & 3 year old niece to see Frozen (<– SO good!). Frozen is more my style of intensity :-D. I cried. more than once. Yes, it hit me in some tender spots. I identified too easily with the older sister’s concealing, ‘to not let anyone know’ and then her relief in the freedom. Which fell in line with the books I’ve been reading/studying/learning SO much from this last year. [Emily Freeman‘s Grace for the Good Girl and A Million Little Ways; Holley Gerth‘s You’re Already Amazing and You’re Made for a God-Sized Dream; and Angie Smith‘s Mended] These books have lead me to places I’ve been afraid of. Helped me sort out what I’ve been afraid of. And shown me, encouraged me to seek Him for healing in those dark corners of my heart and mind.

When thinking about my |365:oneword| I wanted a word to encompass my desire to hang onto the good in 2013 and not allow it to be overshadowed by the hard. I wanted to do oneword last year, but I hadn’t had enough time to pray, process, and think about what my oneword would be before January hit with a bang. Starting on the 3rd of January, 2013 felt a bit as if hell was reaching out, trying to get a grip on our family. I’m happy to report, it failed. I can say in November, the first of 2013 I felt I could really get a deep breath, I was overwhelmed with gratitude. So grateful for the previous months, the hardness, the learning. We had many good times in 2013 – after all, we went to the Philippines for two months! But the icky things were pretty explosively icky and tended to cast a pretty big shadow.

As we hit numerous ‘One year ago today…’ moments, I knew I was going to need a secure word to hang onto as a lifeline. A lifeline to my Christ, my Heavenly Father, my Wonderful Counselor, my Savior. The water might get a little rough, I might get a little (or a lot) wet – but I don’t need to drown. 2013 was hard and I don’t want the learning – or pain – to be wasted. I feel as if I’m desperately clinging to the truths I’ve learned, resetting my thinking and self-talk. In 2014 I want to allow this growing process to continue and I want to thrive in the process. I don’t have a real descriptive vocabulary, so I started making a list in MSWord and then using the ‘look-up’ command to see what the words really meant, not just going by what I thought they meant. Here is a partial walk through my mind:

Embrace. I want to embrace all that God is doing in my life. I don’t want to ‘go back’. It will take baby steps, but I want to enjoy the journey.

Thrive | Flourish. I want to thrive in the life God has given me and the freedom I have because of Jesus’ death & resurrection. I want Him to flourish in and through me.

Truth. Reality. Certainty. Factual. I want to only speak His Truth, to others of course – but to myself. I’m done with allowing the ‘subtle’ lies to be the louder voice in my head.

Trust. I’m pretty quick to admit I have a trust issue with people. However, I’ve never thought I had a trust issue with God. I easily say I trust Him. in everything. with everything/everyone.

Relish. I want to enjoy, delight in, savor, take pleasure in, appreciate all He has provided. I want to be a [joy full] child of God.

Hope. I hope, expect, trust, anticipate, look forward to so much; most importantly is my hope in Him. However, I found it interesting when used as a noun, hope can mean confident desire. I can’t even imagine, I’ve always felt more desperate in hope. Definitely not confident in my desires. Hope has always seemed a bit fleeting to me. I could hope, but would ‘it really happen?’

Desire. wish, want, longing, craving, yearning – gives more of the desperate feeling I was just talking about. I want to hope/desire to have a single focus – to glorify Him.

Confident. Certain, positive, convinced, secure. self-assured. Definitely could use confidence, but I know confidence at this point would be like a bandaid where stitches, or surgery, is needed. It would be false. Not coming from a right place.

In the end, I have to go with trust. Honestly, this is the scariest for me. But I’m currently reading Grace for the Good Girl by Emily Freeman and I’m pretty sure leaving the masks off is going to be hard. It’s going to take trust. It may prove to be the hardest task I’ve ever done.

To look at the synonyms [belief, hope, conviction, confidence, expectation, reliance, dependence] and definitions [to rely on somebody or something; confidently allow somebody to do something, place something in somebody’s care] of trust, I don’t have an issue with any of those ideas. for others. for circumstances. for whatever. as long as it isn’t for me. When disappointed, I’ve always chosen to say/believe it is for the best. I do believe this is still true, but just saying it doesn’t make it not hurt. I’ve recently learned it’s okay to acknowledge the grief of disappointment. Of course, we don’t want to get stuck there, but to not acknowledge the hurt isn’t healthy.

This last fall, in separate instances, from multiple people, I was told I was “hard to read/didn’t show expression”, they didn’t know what I thought about something. These things were not said unkindly or in any kind of confrontation or ‘you need to…’ type statements, they were said matter-of-fact, as a side comment. Which stopped me short. To think friends (friends I consider very dear) didn’t think they really knew me – begged me to face the question, Was it because I didn’t trust them? Which led to – If I don’t trust my closest friends, how can I trust God? Which led me to – Do I trust God? My initial thought would be: of course I trust them, especially God. But, I realized I also quickly have a qualifier to what/when I trust. I started to see it wasn’t “just others I didn’t know” I didn’t trust.

• I trust I will embrace all God is doing in my life and I can enjoy the journey.
• I trust I can thrive in the life God has given me.
• I trust His Spirit will flourish in and through me.
• I trust He will help me speak only truth.
• I trust I will relish life in a way I haven’t before.
• I trust I will learn to hope as a noun – in confident desire.
• I trust my desire will be singly focused on my Heavenly Father.
• I trust I will be confident in His plan. 

This year, these 365 days of 2014, I want to trust.

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Proverbs 27:1 – “Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring.”

Matthew 6:34 – “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.”

James 4:14,15 – “…yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, ‘If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.’”

Hmmm…..what do these verses (ESV) tell me? I shouldn’t state what I will do tomorrow, instead I should depend on my Heavenly Father and when making plans I should say, – “If the Lord wills, I will ….” Also, I shouldn’t focus on worries that might come tomorrow, and instead make a point to only focus on living out today as best I can in the Lords will. I’ve never been very good at setting goals and then doing them. I have to say I’m glad last year at New Year’s time I didn’t set any goals or resolutions – it has been a very eventful year. If I’d set my own plans (in the form of goals or resolutions) am afraid I would be unable to see all the blessings and benefits of the past year. I am a list maker and when I don’t get to cross everything off “my list” I tend to really struggle with frustration. I am one of those individuals who will, at the end of a particularly frustrating day, write a list of everything I did accomplish so I can cross it off and “see” evidence of my productivity. 😀 {the review “list” of our last year will be coming later}

Anyway – I hope you have all had a wonderful Christmas season and are feeling renewed as we take on another NEW YEAR! I had the privilege of spending three days this last week making doll clothes for my niece and daughter – it has been a blast! However, my house went to pot as I ignored everything I should have done and at several moments/hours of having all five kids over here at my house…I blissfully ignored it all, but last night I was done with the mess. I spent the day putting Christmas decorations away and cleaning. My kids did pretty well working along side me, but I did lose them when my brother announced he was going to pull them behind the snowmachine :-D. I love to have Christmas stuff put away and the house freshly cleaned for New Years; I love the anticipation of a new year and starting off organized…..

That organization is going to happen this week. When I get that done, I promise to post more pictures of the house projects that have been pulled off over the last several months. I’ve taken some pictures, but haven’t had everything clean at once to take overall pictures. Off to celebrate New Years Eve with lots of family and friends that are nearly family!!!

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Source: etsy.com via Alaskamom on Pinterest

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My baby is growing up…

This poor young moose was eating the berries off the bushes in front of the living room window. He got the Christmas lights wrapped around his nose – he didn’t seem to notice, but we sure got a kick out of watching & waiting to see if he’d get it off. After watching for about a 1/2 hour my brother came up to the other door & spooked the moose. All he could see from the deck was the tree at the corner going nuts – he thought Vince was doing something. The Christmas lights ripped off the tree & snapped in at least 3 sections- one section stayed attached to the tree/bushes, we recovered one short section hanging from the lilac tree on the side of the house & the moose made off with the rest.

We had a “for real Christmas tree” this year! For those who don’t know this is actually a very pretty Alaskan tree & yes, it is about 9.5 ft tall and 2.5 ft wide.

The beautiful Mt. Mckinley on Sunday.

Have I mentioned before that we live in an absolutely gorgeous state?

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It’s been so long since updating, but…..I’m not going to now either. I still have way too much to do – the campaign calls. But here are a couple of wonderful smiles to get you through. I know that’s all you really want anyway. 🙂

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