I thought I’d be back online to continue with the train of thought – the problem was I obviously didn’t have the train lined up in a row, let alone connected. Did I mention I was and continue to be VERY thankful. Overwhelmed thankful. We did not have to plan for a close family member’s funeral. While, our last week did not include plans of that sort – all thanks and praise to God! – the what if’s-could have’s-almost did’s about did me in. In a second I went from thinking about 5MinFri and all the opportunities we have in life – to a very uncertain, not knowing – all it took was a moment for everything to flip upside-down. As if I was in a snow globe and it was flipped upside-down; shaken hard and quickly; then flipped right-side up again. While I was thankful for all to be right side up it took me several days to put ‘everything’ back where it belonged in my compartmentalized brain. I spent lots of time praying for others who have had to make those arrangements – seems like so many lately, in large groups and blog friends. In one week, there have been two apartment buildings on fire, displacing 45 in one & 40 in the second. So many who have lost so much, just in a quick jolt.

It makes you think. a lot.

about your priorities. your purpose. how your time is spent.

We are not promised tomorrow. I can’t imagine not having Christ as my center. Seven years ago my Grandma went home to be with Jesus. My children & I were with Grandpa and I was able to be strong, focused. Not falling apart. Yes, I cried, but we knew she was in a better place. She was happy. We would see her again. What about did me in last week was the uncertainty. the fear of {fill in the blank}. Not having something I could do with my hands to help. Even though, there isn’t a question as to where any of my family will spend eternity. It was the uncertainty of life here on earth. So, I did lots of praying – and obviously not much making sense. Good thing God knows what I mean and he doesn’t go by what I say. :-D!

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So, today is another Five Minute Friday. I’m linking up with Lisa-Jo. Today’s word is Dive.

Interestingly enough, I wrote this week’s 5MinFri last Friday and it not only makes sense, I even used the specific word ‘dive’. I did the 5MinFri I posted as opportunity, but then did another 5Min of writing just trying to get my brain to focus. (Remember, irrationally desperate for the comfort of something normal – blogging.) I thought I’d clarify, or at least write, more & add to it on Saturday, but didn’t have the mental space {or time} to log in and get it posted.

Here are the rules:

1. Write for 5 minutes – no editing, over thinking, or backtracking.
2. Link back to Lisa-Jo’s – invite others to join in.
3. Encourage others by commenting – for sure commenting on the person who linked up before you.

This is your invite – come join the fun!

Haven’t linked up to a blog before? Scared to? The steps are laid out each step of the way. I have to read the steps each time. Remember, we’ve all had to have the first time. We don’t bite :-D! Each week I look forward to 5MinFri, just to get to the point of doing it. Then my heart races, my mind goes blank, and I strongly plan on backing out. (maybe last week I should have :-D!) After all, no one would really notice I’m missing. ‘They’ say the more you do something the easier it gets. I say, I’m still waiting for the easier. {who, exactly are the ‘they’?} 

Then I remind myself this is for fun, no one is critiquing how or what I say {if you are, please don’t tell me :-D}, and those are lies in my mind trying to keep me fearful and trapped. I tried posting really early (Thursday night for me) so I couldn’t see the crowd already gathered, it did make it better, but then life interrupted my plan…see, I’m rambling because I’m afraid to start. and I wrote it last week! So, here goes:

[GO] I am going to make a huge jump and just dive in. Even without having it all figured out in advance. I am going to take this opportunity to announce my plans. Plans I believe are good and in alignment with God’s plan for our family. My business, working from home.

I am going to keep ThoughtfulEscapes as my personal blog. This blog won’t change much, except I will talk about what I am doing at the ‘other’ site. I am going to start a website to be more of a professional workspace, a blog relating to design.

I want to ‘do’ Graphic Design. Graphic Layout. Web Design. eBook layout. Document layout. All things print and web [visual] related layout and design. I love doing this. I do it quickly. But… [why is there always a but?] I don’t know the technical side. My degree is Information Technology/Web Design. [STOP]

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{BIG, deep breathes} Okay. This dream. this plan will be out there. As soon as I hit publish. I’m committed to making this work. I have to. We need the income. But the uncertainty of what will happen….can I tell you something?

How about a pretty flower growing in an unlikely place first. This picture makes me so happy to look at. It is from a very special place -I can smell the air, hear the birds and the water. This whole little bush isn’t more than a foot high. The flowers are hardly bigger than my fingernail. and yes, you see it is growing out of rocky ‘soil’. in a place it is more likely to be stepped on than appreciated. It could easily be bruised and crushed. By human feet, horses hooves, or gator tires.

Can you tell I have a problem with avoidance? Avoid confrontation. Avoid fear. Avoid hurt at all cost.

I am SCARED to pieces. I’m SCARED of being crushed. I’m SCARED to fail.

In my opinion, I’ve failed enough. I want this to work. I want to work from home. I want to financially take care of my children. I know, get over it. We all fail. We are human. It is why the song What If? by Jadon Lavik is so very reassuring to me. (if you want the youtube version) However, ….

I’m scared I will put more time into trying and still not make enough. Then I will have *wasted* all this time.

Notice I said my degree is Information Technology. But. I don’t like technical. It makes my head hurt. It makes me crazy. So, how do I do graphic design and layout for print and web without enjoying the technical part? So far, I have lots of headaches, craziness, and I’m going really slowly. Remember when I said earlier, I’m still waiting for the easier. {for example: I have changed the color of some text in this post. I saw it in a different color. Now, it’s back to the default color – why?!}

Okay. So now I’ve ranted. spewed and gotten back into the swing of writing in this cozy little space of mine – with a whole lot of rambling and avoiding. Thank you for visiting. I am posting these fears and frustrations here because of my commitment to staying true and real on this blog. I know I’m not the only one fighting these feelings.

I am totally 100% dependent on Christ.

His strength. His love. His protection.

It is how I get through each year. month. week. day. hour. moment.

I want those truths to be more clear than anything else, and the part of this post you remember. Because of Him, I can face tomorrow. or the rest of the day. or the rest of this hour. I can push publish. Because I choose to overcome my fear with Him holding my hand in love and gentleness. There is no other way.

I’m going to stop talking/avoiding now and go work on the other website. My goal today is to figure out a couple basic things {like the changing text colors!} and be able to make this blog & my website look the way I want them to… Afterall, I’m on WordPress, this shouldn’t be that difficult!!!!! Right, isn’t that why we change over? There is a TON of info online, so far I haven’t found the answers pertaining to me and my sites. Expect changes. an announcement. and more posts. Soon, I hope.

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