Yesterday, the verse was to not worry about tomorrow. to seek His kingdom & righteousness.

to live one day at a time.

When I went to bed last night I forgot to take this to heart and had my alarms set as normal. I set a minimum of two alarms each night – one for medicine and a pre-wakeup, then again to actually get up. I got up & took my medicine with the first alarm as usual (I even remember doing this)…. 30 min later when the 2nd alarm went off – I heard nothing. I was totally unaware of anything. I woke up at 10:42! (My daughter was even shocked – she said she didn’t ever remember sleeping that late unless I was sick…) I was so frustrated, there were so many things I wanted to get done today. … ya, I’m a slow learner.

Anyway, I woke up way later than I’d planned, but I chose to thank the Lord my body waited until today to decide to demand sleep – when I didn’t have to be anywhere. As I said yesterday, the last several weeks have been a bit nuts. I’ve been going on too little sleep for too many weeks. My body rebelled. I know better.

Yesterday, in my Bible study I asked God for more strength to “get it all done”. I sought Him, I worked hard, I fought with technical website stuff all day. I believe my seeking was the same as knocking – I was feeling desperate for more strength.

He answered. 

Not the way I would have chosen – but He answered. I didn’t hear the alarms, I didn’t have to be anywhere (I just selfishly wanted as much of the Saturday as I could get today), and His answer: my body got several extra hours of much needed sleep. Sleep I was depriving my body of in order to get more done each day.

Then in His goodness, He allowed soooo much to get done today too!

While the to-do list is not as drivingly important as it used to be, I really wanted some things done before starting a new week. It actually all got done!

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When you hear the term ‘parenting’ what do you think, feel, hear?

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I was raised with the belief marriage is for life. I still believe this….
except when it’s not. 

We “dated” for four years, I thought I knew him. We taught Sunday School together, were in various small groups at church, and helped before/after with set up/take down for every service. Our church family thought we were on the “right track”. We both had jobs, we both had our own place. We went through pre-marriage counseling. We talked about finances. We had hard discussions. According to church leadership, we did everything “right”. It used to be I didn’t allow for the possibility of marriage being less than a lifetime commitment.

Jump ahead a few days, to seven days prior: the church we’d attended for three years closed its doors. This seemed like just an odd bit of crazy to throw into the mix. I didn’t have a large wedding plan, but no church was an interesting twist. The next four days were bit crazy. On top of this, we were both moving out of our places because we were moving out of the State just two days after the wedding date.

Day of: our wedding day was not fun. it was not even a bit enjoyable. It was full of crazy stresses – such as morning/afternoon of – we cleaned the church we were getting married in; crazy freezing rain storm; and he didn’t show up at the church building until over an hour AFTER the wedding was supposed to have started. I was told to not wear my watch, I was in a room with no clock, with his mom & sister – I had no idea what time it was. To be totally honest, I didn’t even know he wasn’t in the building. Can you say weird crazy?

Two days later – was the first time I was afraid of him & poor decisions. … He was done being charming. He wanted to get out of the State ASAP. Even though it meant leaving in the middle of the night amidst yet another crazy freezing rain storm on treacherous, icy roads through mountain passes – without winter tires. In case you don’t know, there is only one road in & out of Alaska. Gas stations close after September for the winter. It is not a road to taken lightly.

I chalked it up to too much emotional upheaval the week prior, and thus began my enabling & excuses.
Rationalizing in my head.
Trying to make sense of what shouldn’t make sense.
I believed this was just a “hardship” of learning to live together.

So often, when there is emotional and/or verbal abuse, the abused feels as if they are “going crazy” or they’re being “mean” to expect […]. These thoughts are usually confirmed by the abuser in action and with words. After all, “it’s just in your head” or “you just don’t understand” or “you don’t know what I think”.

“it’s just in your head” – worries are typically totally in our own head. Think about how many times you’ve process through the death of a family member because you heard/saw a siren and lights  – whether your family member was in the area or not; whether your family member was still at home or not.

“you just don’t understand” – this is so true. There are so many things I don’t understand. So many times I’ve misunderstood another persons actions or words.

“you don’t know what I think/feel” – again, this is true. I don’t know what another person thinks or feels. I can only know what someone wants me to know – sometimes indirectly, you can learn what someone is thinking or feeling with them being away…but usually you’re really only reading body language – how they act out their thoughts/feelings.

All of these statements can be good, right & true in absolute love, and when someone cares for another they are good to talk through…but when one person is over-running another person in any relationship, this is not healthy. I don’t write these things to be controversial or even to make it seem as if I somehow condone staying in a dangerous situation or even walking out of a marriage. I simply state these thoughts to help shed light on “why do they stay?”.

Please, if you or someone you know needs help – get the help needed. A trusted option – contact Focus on the Family. It is important to get Godly counsel, when you’ve been hurt and it’s time to heal, it’s too easy to be further swayed. Make sure the help you get is actually going to help, aligning Biblically with what is in Scripture. Each situation is unique.

SaveSave

SaveSave

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I am going to commit to writing here in this online space for 31 days. In a row. Again. It’s been a year since I made this commitment – I did the 31 days last year then as the year got harder I  tapered off to not blogging at all the last couple months.

I’m not going to apologize.

I’m not going to wallow in what I didn’t accomplish.

While not blogging I’ve been doing a lot of learning. I’m down to the last 4 days of working nights for the last month. So I might have a hard time starting, but once Thursday night is done – I will be back on schedule with the majority of the world.

I really debated on what to write on for 31 days. I just want to let you know, I was leaning towards our tween/teens in today’s culture. But I couldn’t decide what to call it, and I didn’t know if I could jump into something that controversial after not blogging for so long. Just don’t be surprised if there is some heavy mixing of the two.

My 31 days are going to be focused on being a single, homeschooling mom. I have now been a single mom for 13 years and divorced for ten. Other than one semester in 2010 we have been a homeschool family.

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As the verse yesterday said:

• I can be confident. You can be confident.
• He – who began a good work in you. who began a good work in me.
• WILL carry [the good work] to completion in you. WILL carry [the good work] to completion in me.
• then,
• you will be complete in Christ Jesus. I will be complete in Christ Jesus.

While I wouldn’t wish some of my life experiences on anyone – I can also be thankful for them.

We spent about two and a half years in Portland, Oregon. They were not good years, but the Lord provided everything my soul needed. My gracious Heavenly Father provided a friendship with an amazing & beautiful woman. She was my safe person thru the ups and downs. She helped me save face so many times in the worst of times. She was the one who told me I was pregnant. Life was in such an upheaval, I didn’t realize what was going on in my own body. She saw me. She cared about me at a time when I was uncertain if I even wanted life to go on. She coaxed me through the birth of my son. Six months later we drove back to Alaska. To this day, she remains my dearest sister-friend; twenty years of friendship and we’ve spent no more than two weeks total time in the same room. She has known both extreme happiness & extreme pain in life. She has known hardship. She is beautiful inside and out. I aspire to learn from her faith. her trust in God and in people.

The hardship of living in an abusive marriage provided me an opportunity to strengthen a closer relationship with Jesus and my Heavenly Father, and I have two wonderful children. Children I would never, ever, in a million years trade for a different marriage. Don’t get me wrong, if I could have the same children with a different marriage – then, yes please! I would like to think I could have learned many of the life lessons I’ve learned in a different way :-)…but, I do believe my Heavenly Father does know best what is for His Glory.

He, who began a good work in me is working it through to completion in Christ Jesus. Some chapters of my story I wouldn’t mind if they’d been edited out – but not at the expense of the lessons I learned.

I am God’s masterpiece.
He created me new in Christ Jesus.
He created me so I could do the good things He planned.
Specific good things He planned long ago. Just for me.
Ephesians 2:10

The stories of my life have not taken my Heavenly Father by surprise. In fact, He created me just for this story.

I can’t say if the move back to Alaska is what saved us from his poor choices, or if they intensified his poor choices. Life was far from easy. May I suggest, if you have a family member who doesn’t seem like themselves and you think there are marriage problems – without prying and controlling, try to learn more. Don’t decide what you know based on what you think you see. When we moved back I was in full-on survival mode. I was also a first time mom of a six month old who had been mobile since four months, and started walking at seven months. It was what I knew in my marriage relationship. My family did not understand the change, nor did they imagine the source of the changes in me. I came across as paranoid, irrational, and controlling. So, my behavior is what was pointed out.

Once again: Please, if you or someone you know needs help – if you don’t have a church family you can go to – contact Focus on the Family. It is important to get Godly counsel. Make sure the help you get is actually going to help, aligning Biblically with what is in Scripture. Each situation is unique.

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So here is the before, with the couch running down the center of the living room. I hated it every time we came home and I walked in the door. It was always a mess, even when it was clean it felt like a mess.

YEA – now the center of my floor is clear!

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Lord, thank You, Thank You, THANK YOU!

They experienced the first half of the storm, praying their roof would stay attached. They live in a three story concrete home. My brother’s comment just before the storm really started – when he thought he was headed to bed – was how thankful he was to have a concrete home. Then the storm hit. Then she posted when all was quiet and they were then anticipating the second half of the storm. My dad said the second half was worse than the first. I can’t imagine.

At 5:30am for them she posted how it was almost daylight and she was afraid of what they’d find. Can you imagine – the whole horrifying ordeal, in the dead of night?! After the 5:30 post, cell service was lost.

The damage and pain is immense … but God is so good!

HUGE PRAISE #2: Another NTMA pilot wife provided updates throughout the day for the rest of us. It was many, many hours before all missionaries were able to check-in from the tribes – obviously, no cell or electricity. But all of the NTM missionaries are safe – Praise the Lord!

In the end, a portion of my brothers roof was ripped off and pinned under trees in their yard. Their washing machine, stove, and a large, full, storage cabinet of supplies was ripped to shreds, all the contents were tossed & dumped around the corner of their home. She posted it took them most of the day to cut down the trees & rebar blocking the gate into their house.

This is not what any of this looks like today – and it was all much more grown up since I took this photo – it has had 3.5 more years of growing. I guess the trees had grown up so much on the empty property in-between my brother’s home and the place behind the blue gate (where we stayed when we were there), you couldn’t see that home from my brothers. Now, it’s all been ripped bare, and the carport they had attached was down on top of the vehicle under it. But they were thankful it hadn’t blown away!

HUGE PRAISE #3: The helicopter was untouched! The hangar was damaged – inside & out – but it looks as if God Himself cupped His great big hands around the heli. The picture I saw looks like a large, shredded tree landed right next to the heli (inside the hangar) – Praise the Lord! It looks as if my brother will once again have the opportunity to fly this heli in relief effort. This will make the third year in a row he has flown relief in this helicopter in the Philippines. The first time was three years ago for Typhoon Haiyan, and almost exactly a year ago for Typhoon Kopp. In 2010 he flew a different helicopter for relief in Haiti. It is SO awesome seeing him be used by God, doing what he loves to be doing.

The above photo is when we went to the coastal tribe where Haima made landfall. I know this is NOT what this space looks like today. I haven’t heard anything more than the missionaries on the coast are all alive. As expected there were roofs and homes lost there as well. I know one of the missionary homes was a concern if it would make it through the storm – I’ve not heard. Reports will come in the days ahead. But their lives were spared.

Please continue to pray for the people of northern Luzon. This is far from over, the damage is so great. the pictures so heartbreaking. I’ve seen the damage to solid buildings, my heart aches for those who didn’t have solid walls or roof over their head in the first place. There are news reports saying 100% of the homes in Tuguegarao have been damaged by Typhoon Haima.

If you want to help financially, you can do so here: http://go.ntm.org/relief-fund.

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I say all this 130 hours after saying goodbye to my brother, his wife, and their 3 children – who just returned to the Philippines. We just had 6 wonderful family-full months. My two children & I said goodbye, walked out the door and went to church. I bawled all thru worship. I was there to worship my God; they were leaving to worship my God; all to add to the numbers in His family.

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One of my brothers, his wife, and their three children are missionaries in the Philippines. Typhoon Haima is predicted to go right over the top of them. My brother is a helicopter pilot for NTMA, a typhoon went thru just a couple days ago and caused weather problems for him to get out the missionaries along the coast. They are on the coast, right where Haima is supposed to make landfall.

I know our God is good regardless. The best thing I can do is pray. The only thing I can do is pray.

No other thoughts can track in a straight line.

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