I have felt overwhelm the last several weeks – honestly, I can’t separate the days over the last three weeks. I’ve spent too much time trying to figure out what needs to be done, how to do it all, what I need to let go of. A very real & “normal” reality of single moms. of working moms. I say “normal” because it isn’t supposed to be normal to be so busy we can’t focus.

Your heavenly Father knows what you need.
Seek first the kingdom of God & His righteousness.
Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?
You are of more value than the birds of the air.
Yet, He takes care of them. Not one is lacking.
Don’t be anxious about tomorrow.
Live one day at a time.
Matthew 6:26-34

I find the directives in this verse incredibly refreshing and so very simple. and hard.

• Seek first the kingdom of God & His righteousness.
• Don’t be anxious about tomorrow.
• Live one day at a time.

There is explanation too:

• Your heavenly Father knows what you need.
• Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?
• You are of more value than the birds of the air.
• Yet, He takes care of them. Not one is lacking.

He knows what I need. I can’t add anything to my life. He cares for the birds of the air. Not one is lacking.

Why do we make it hard to “not be anxious about tomorrow”? Live one day at a time? Don’t I need to plan & stack everything to eek the absolute most out of each day? … No, I don’t.

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Choosing to embrace medical ways was hard. But I believe God works through doctors and medicines. Our bodies are crazy complex creations. It took a few doctors and doctor referrals and referrals from those doctors to get to some REALLY good ones. In the end, she has learned how to manage. She made it through the wedding being well. She was able to go on a 10-day kayaking trip – learning even more about herself and how much to push.

I chose to embrace all the changes planned with my son’s wedding. WOW! My daughter & I were so blessed by the bride and her family including us. Starting August’ish of 2016, I started meeting with two friends for Bible Study. One, we’ve been friends for about 20 years. The other, my son’s now mother-in-law. Our Bible Study time became wedding planning time, which has become visit time :-). But the blessing of being friends with my son’s new mom is amazing!

While the year was one with a lot of changes & adjustments,

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So here is the before, with the couch running down the center of the living room. I hated it every time we came home and I walked in the door. It was always a mess, even when it was clean it felt like a mess.

YEA – now the center of my floor is clear!

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Yesterday, the verse was to not worry about tomorrow. to seek His kingdom & righteousness.

to live one day at a time.

When I went to bed last night I forgot to take this to heart and had my alarms set as normal. I set a minimum of two alarms each night – one for medicine and a pre-wakeup, then again to actually get up. I got up & took my medicine with the first alarm as usual (I even remember doing this)…. 30 min later when the 2nd alarm went off – I heard nothing. I was totally unaware of anything. I woke up at 10:42! (My daughter was even shocked – she said she didn’t ever remember sleeping that late unless I was sick…) I was so frustrated, there were so many things I wanted to get done today. … ya, I’m a slow learner.

Anyway, I woke up way later than I’d planned, but I chose to thank the Lord my body waited until today to decide to demand sleep – when I didn’t have to be anywhere. As I said yesterday, the last several weeks have been a bit nuts. I’ve been going on too little sleep for too many weeks. My body rebelled. I know better.

Yesterday, in my Bible study I asked God for more strength to “get it all done”. I sought Him, I worked hard, I fought with technical website stuff all day. I believe my seeking was the same as knocking – I was feeling desperate for more strength.

He answered. 

Not the way I would have chosen – but He answered. I didn’t hear the alarms, I didn’t have to be anywhere (I just selfishly wanted as much of the Saturday as I could get today), and His answer: my body got several extra hours of much needed sleep. Sleep I was depriving my body of in order to get more done each day.

Then in His goodness, He allowed soooo much to get done today too!

While the to-do list is not as drivingly important as it used to be, I really wanted some things done before starting a new week. It actually all got done!

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According to the online Merriam-Webster Dictionary.com:

• REDEMPTION (noun)
  • the act, process, or instance of redeeming; to redeem
• REDEEM (verb)
  • to buy back;
  • to free from what distresses or harms;
  • to change for the better;
  • to repair, restore;
  • to atone for.

According to Dictionary.com:

• REDEMPTION (noun)
  • an act of redeeming or atoning for a fault of mistake, or the state of being redeemed;
  • deliverance, rescue;
  • Theology. deliverance from sin, salvation;
  • atonement for guilt.

• REDEEM (verb)
  • to buy back, clear by payment;
  • to recover;
  • to exhange;
  • to convert;
  • to make up for, make amends for;
  • to obtain the release or restoration of, as from captivity – by paying a ransom;
  • Theology. to deliver from sin & its consequences by means of a sacrifice offered for the sinner.

However, this year it has become apparent to me the word is not singluarily about Jesus redeeming me from my sins. It can be used in other ways as well. While it is most importantly because of Jesus’ death for my sins & His conquering death with His resurrection from the dead, I am redeemed (You can be too.) – I am also in “the state of being redeemed”.

As I mentioned in my last post, this year has held A LOT of changes. When I wrote the post in January, I still had all the unknowns ahead of me. Now the changes have been made and I’m starting to process. I was, and still am, EAGER to see what God has in store, but I need to stop, ponder, and reflect on how He is redeeming what I’ve always thought. Once again, it is time for 31 Days, so I’m going to write about the many ways I am in “the state of being redeemed” by my Father.

As I mentioned last October, while I want to love October, I’ve struggled with this month for years. For a variety of reasons, I have a HARD time letting September go and letting October start. This year, I’ll have just moved 3,200 miles after living in the same place for the last 19 years. I know I need the mental space to get caught up on school and I’m choosing to extend myself the grace – in advance – to start on Monday, October 8th.

This month, I’m going to be studying & reflecting on God’s redemption in all parts of my life. I will be writing with the Write 31 Days group about Redemption in Life & Business.

Speak Out
Redemption in Separation
Once Again

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Where is your treasure?

It’s so easy to believe I don’t treasure things on earth…but it isn’t true.

I treasure my children.

I treasure time.

I treasure quiet.

I treasure the upcoming Thanksgiving & Christmas sounds, sights & smells.

I treasure flowers.

None of these are inherently bad, but ALL of them are subject to moths, rust, being destroyed, and being stolen.

NONE of these can help me get to an eternal life with Christ.

But – they are all blessings from Him.

(As you can tell, there are still problems with the photos – but I’ve running low on time. I chose to be present with my daughter and we when photo chasing)

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Let the redeemed of the Lord say so,
whom he has redeemed from trouble.
Psalm 107:2 in the New International Version (NIV)

Has the Lord redeemed you? Then speak out!
Tell others he has saved you from your enemies.
Psalm 107:2 in The Living Bible (TLB)

Let the redeemed of the Lord say so,
whom He has redeemed from the hand of the adversary.
Psalm 107:2 in the New American Standard Bible (NASB)

Let the redeemed of the Lord proclaim
that he has redeemed them from the power of the foe.
Psalm 107:2 in the Christian Standard Bible (CSB)

I have been redeemed and it is time for me to speak up and say so! I don’t typically speak up in a group setting, so this is not my natural go-to. However, this month is Write 31 Days and I’ve joined many others in setting the goal to write everyday this month. And, in obedience to my Heavenly Father, I will be proclaiming His redemption in my life. Since I haven’t blogged in forever, it will be a learning curve to come write in this space each day.

First of all, I grew up in a loving, conservative, Christian home. I was born in Alaska, the years I was seven and eight we lived in Wisconsin for the winter and went to Alaska in the summer. From nine until fourteen we lived full-time in Wisconsin; then two months after I turned fourteen we moved back to Alaska.

You know how so often young kids are asked what they want to be when they grow up? As a young girl, the only thing I ever wanted to be was a mom and wife.

Prior to nine, I was a very happy child. I totally believed Jesus was the answer to anything and everything, this belief has never wavered. I’ve often been told I have a lot of faith. Mostly, I’m determined and stubborn. I know what I believe and I believe whole-heartedly in Jesus Christ as my Savior – no matter what.

When I was nine, I was sexually abused. There was a lot of confusion and mistrust planted in my mind because the abuser told me my parents knew and were okay with what he was doing. Of course they didn’t know, but I didn’t know this until I was a junior in high school. After the abuse, I started to have nightmares. I never told anyone about them, but I practiced my absolute faith early on – in the nightmare I would simply say, “In the name of Jesus, you can’t hurt me”, and then I’d wake up. It was not uncommon for this to happen multiple times in a single night. There were a couple recurring, but most just had the same theme.

In my naiveté, the lies I believed included that I would never be able get married, which to me also ment I’d never have children. When I went to college I was introduced to someone who claimed to have been raised similarly to me, and said there was no issue with the previous abuse.

Shortly after getting married, I realized life was not going to be what I expected. Nor, was it something I should have understood. It was an abusive marriage – emotionally and verbally – probably in other ways too, but I haven’t chosen to research it too much. I didn’t understand what was going on, and I thought I was stuck for life. I had been taught, believed, and committed to marriage for life. I didn’t understand there were options unless there was physical abuse. So I attempted to make the best of life. I put aside the dream of being a mom, I doubted it could be good. I knew I didn’t want to bring children into the abusive situation.

Redemption: When I thought I wouldn’t ever get married, I did. While I thought it was best to not have children, God had other plans. My son is my oldest; over his second birthday I had a miscarriage. At that point life had becom enearly unbearable. I believed it best for him to be an only child. Eleven days after his third birthday, my daughter was born. Ten weeks later my husband, my childrens’ daddy left.

We were redeemed. He was the abuser, and he left. I can only attribute his leaving to being an answer to prayer. I would not have had children without being married, and I belived being married was for life. Our family of three was recovered. Our family of three was changed for the better. Our family of three was obtained, released, restored from “captivity”.

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I was raised with the belief marriage is for life. I still believe this….
except when it’s not. 

We “dated” for four years, I thought I knew him. We taught Sunday School together, were in various small groups at church, and helped before/after with set up/take down for every service. Our church family thought we were on the “right track”. We both had jobs, we both had our own place. We went through pre-marriage counseling. We talked about finances. We had hard discussions. According to church leadership, we did everything “right”. It used to be I didn’t allow for the possibility of marriage being less than a lifetime commitment.

Jump ahead a few days, to seven days prior: the church we’d attended for three years closed its doors. This seemed like just an odd bit of crazy to throw into the mix. I didn’t have a large wedding plan, but no church was an interesting twist. The next four days were bit crazy. On top of this, we were both moving out of our places because we were moving out of the State just two days after the wedding date.

Day of: our wedding day was not fun. it was not even a bit enjoyable. It was full of crazy stresses – such as morning/afternoon of – we cleaned the church we were getting married in; crazy freezing rain storm; and he didn’t show up at the church building until over an hour AFTER the wedding was supposed to have started. I was told to not wear my watch, I was in a room with no clock, with his mom & sister – I had no idea what time it was. To be totally honest, I didn’t even know he wasn’t in the building. Can you say weird crazy?

Two days later – was the first time I was afraid of him & poor decisions. … He was done being charming. He wanted to get out of the State ASAP. Even though it meant leaving in the middle of the night amidst yet another crazy freezing rain storm on treacherous, icy roads through mountain passes – without winter tires. In case you don’t know, there is only one road in & out of Alaska. Gas stations close after September for the winter. It is not a road to taken lightly.

I chalked it up to too much emotional upheaval the week prior, and thus began my enabling & excuses.
Rationalizing in my head.
Trying to make sense of what shouldn’t make sense.
I believed this was just a “hardship” of learning to live together.

So often, when there is emotional and/or verbal abuse, the abused feels as if they are “going crazy” or they’re being “mean” to expect […]. These thoughts are usually confirmed by the abuser in action and with words. After all, “it’s just in your head” or “you just don’t understand” or “you don’t know what I think”.

“it’s just in your head” – worries are typically totally in our own head. Think about how many times you’ve process through the death of a family member because you heard/saw a siren and lights  – whether your family member was in the area or not; whether your family member was still at home or not.

“you just don’t understand” – this is so true. There are so many things I don’t understand. So many times I’ve misunderstood another persons actions or words.

“you don’t know what I think/feel” – again, this is true. I don’t know what another person thinks or feels. I can only know what someone wants me to know – sometimes indirectly, you can learn what someone is thinking or feeling with them being away…but usually you’re really only reading body language – how they act out their thoughts/feelings.

All of these statements can be good, right & true in absolute love, and when someone cares for another they are good to talk through…but when one person is over-running another person in any relationship, this is not healthy. I don’t write these things to be controversial or even to make it seem as if I somehow condone staying in a dangerous situation or even walking out of a marriage. I simply state these thoughts to help shed light on “why do they stay?”.

Please, if you or someone you know needs help – get the help needed. A trusted option – contact Focus on the Family. It is important to get Godly counsel, when you’ve been hurt and it’s time to heal, it’s too easy to be further swayed. Make sure the help you get is actually going to help, aligning Biblically with what is in Scripture. Each situation is unique.

SaveSave

SaveSave

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“Forget about what’s happened;
    don’t keep going over old history.

BE ALERT. BE PRESENT.

I’m about to do something brand-new.
    It’s bursting out! Don’t you see it?
Indeed, I WILL MAKE A WAY in the wilderness, rivers in the dessert.”

The first instruction to us: FORGET about what’s happened, don’t keep going over old history.
The second instruction to us: BE ALERT.
The third instruction to us: BE PRESENT.
Not one of these instructions involves any activity other than our heart and mind being turned to Him, focused on Him.

Seek Him first.

The FIRST PROMISE to us: He is about to do something. [He already has a plan.]
The SECOND PROMISE to us: He will make a way. [No matter what circumstances we see.]

Lately, I’ve wondered if my hanging on so tightly to these verses was me reading into something I wanted to be there. I kept wondering if because they were in the Old Testament they meant something different than how I was understanding them.

Then four different instances in the last two weeks brought these verses front and center. Philippians 3:13 …But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead…”

Old Testament and New Testament – the instruction is the same. Forget what is behind. Look forward.

I’ve been redeemed with Scripture.

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As the verse yesterday said:

• I can be confident. You can be confident.
• He – who began a good work in you. who began a good work in me.
• WILL carry [the good work] to completion in you. WILL carry [the good work] to completion in me.
• then,
• you will be complete in Christ Jesus. I will be complete in Christ Jesus.

While I wouldn’t wish some of my life experiences on anyone – I can also be thankful for them.

We spent about two and a half years in Portland, Oregon. They were not good years, but the Lord provided everything my soul needed. My gracious Heavenly Father provided a friendship with an amazing & beautiful woman. She was my safe person thru the ups and downs. She helped me save face so many times in the worst of times. She was the one who told me I was pregnant. Life was in such an upheaval, I didn’t realize what was going on in my own body. She saw me. She cared about me at a time when I was uncertain if I even wanted life to go on. She coaxed me through the birth of my son. Six months later we drove back to Alaska. To this day, she remains my dearest sister-friend; twenty years of friendship and we’ve spent no more than two weeks total time in the same room. She has known both extreme happiness & extreme pain in life. She has known hardship. She is beautiful inside and out. I aspire to learn from her faith. her trust in God and in people.

The hardship of living in an abusive marriage provided me an opportunity to strengthen a closer relationship with Jesus and my Heavenly Father, and I have two wonderful children. Children I would never, ever, in a million years trade for a different marriage. Don’t get me wrong, if I could have the same children with a different marriage – then, yes please! I would like to think I could have learned many of the life lessons I’ve learned in a different way :-)…but, I do believe my Heavenly Father does know best what is for His Glory.

He, who began a good work in me is working it through to completion in Christ Jesus. Some chapters of my story I wouldn’t mind if they’d been edited out – but not at the expense of the lessons I learned.

I am God’s masterpiece.
He created me new in Christ Jesus.
He created me so I could do the good things He planned.
Specific good things He planned long ago. Just for me.
Ephesians 2:10

The stories of my life have not taken my Heavenly Father by surprise. In fact, He created me just for this story.

I can’t say if the move back to Alaska is what saved us from his poor choices, or if they intensified his poor choices. Life was far from easy. May I suggest, if you have a family member who doesn’t seem like themselves and you think there are marriage problems – without prying and controlling, try to learn more. Don’t decide what you know based on what you think you see. When we moved back I was in full-on survival mode. I was also a first time mom of a six month old who had been mobile since four months, and started walking at seven months. It was what I knew in my marriage relationship. My family did not understand the change, nor did they imagine the source of the changes in me. I came across as paranoid, irrational, and controlling. So, my behavior is what was pointed out.

Once again: Please, if you or someone you know needs help – if you don’t have a church family you can go to – contact Focus on the Family. It is important to get Godly counsel. Make sure the help you get is actually going to help, aligning Biblically with what is in Scripture. Each situation is unique.

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