I was raised with the belief marriage is for life. I still believe this….
except when it’s not. 

We “dated” for four years, I thought I knew him. We taught Sunday School together, were in various small groups at church, and helped before/after with set up/take down for every service. Our church family thought we were on the “right track”. We both had jobs, we both had our own place. We went through pre-marriage counseling. We talked about finances. We had hard discussions. According to church leadership, we did everything “right”. It used to be I didn’t allow for the possibility of marriage being less than a lifetime commitment.

Jump ahead a few days, to seven days prior: the church we’d attended for three years closed its doors. This seemed like just an odd bit of crazy to throw into the mix. I didn’t have a large wedding plan, but no church was an interesting twist. The next four days were bit crazy. On top of this, we were both moving out of our places because we were moving out of the State just two days after the wedding date.

Day of: our wedding day was not fun. it was not even a bit enjoyable. It was full of crazy stresses – such as morning/afternoon of – we cleaned the church we were getting married in; crazy freezing rain storm; and he didn’t show up at the church building until over an hour AFTER the wedding was supposed to have started. I was told to not wear my watch, I was in a room with no clock, with his mom & sister – I had no idea what time it was. To be totally honest, I didn’t even know he wasn’t in the building. Can you say weird crazy?

Two days later – was the first time I was afraid of him & poor decisions. … He was done being charming. He wanted to get out of the State ASAP. Even though it meant leaving in the middle of the night amidst yet another crazy freezing rain storm on treacherous, icy roads through mountain passes – without winter tires. In case you don’t know, there is only one road in & out of Alaska. Gas stations close after September for the winter. It is not a road to taken lightly.

I chalked it up to too much emotional upheaval the week prior, and thus began my enabling & excuses.
Rationalizing in my head.
Trying to make sense of what shouldn’t make sense.
I believed this was just a “hardship” of learning to live together.

So often, when there is emotional and/or verbal abuse, the abused feels as if they are “going crazy” or they’re being “mean” to expect […]. These thoughts are usually confirmed by the abuser in action and with words. After all, “it’s just in your head” or “you just don’t understand” or “you don’t know what I think”.

“it’s just in your head” – worries are typically totally in our own head. Think about how many times you’ve process through the death of a family member because you heard/saw a siren and lights  – whether your family member was in the area or not; whether your family member was still at home or not.

“you just don’t understand” – this is so true. There are so many things I don’t understand. So many times I’ve misunderstood another persons actions or words.

“you don’t know what I think/feel” – again, this is true. I don’t know what another person thinks or feels. I can only know what someone wants me to know – sometimes indirectly, you can learn what someone is thinking or feeling with them being away…but usually you’re really only reading body language – how they act out their thoughts/feelings.

All of these statements can be good, right & true in absolute love, and when someone cares for another they are good to talk through…but when one person is over-running another person in any relationship, this is not healthy. I don’t write these things to be controversial or even to make it seem as if I somehow condone staying in a dangerous situation or even walking out of a marriage. I simply state these thoughts to help shed light on “why do they stay?”.

Please, if you or someone you know needs help – get the help needed. A trusted option – contact Focus on the Family. It is important to get Godly counsel, when you’ve been hurt and it’s time to heal, it’s too easy to be further swayed. Make sure the help you get is actually going to help, aligning Biblically with what is in Scripture. Each situation is unique.

SaveSave

SaveSave

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As the verse yesterday said:

• I can be confident. You can be confident.
• He – who began a good work in you. who began a good work in me.
• WILL carry [the good work] to completion in you. WILL carry [the good work] to completion in me.
• then,
• you will be complete in Christ Jesus. I will be complete in Christ Jesus.

While I wouldn’t wish some of my life experiences on anyone – I can also be thankful for them.

We spent about two and a half years in Portland, Oregon. They were not good years, but the Lord provided everything my soul needed. My gracious Heavenly Father provided a friendship with an amazing & beautiful woman. She was my safe person thru the ups and downs. She helped me save face so many times in the worst of times. She was the one who told me I was pregnant. Life was in such an upheaval, I didn’t realize what was going on in my own body. She saw me. She cared about me at a time when I was uncertain if I even wanted life to go on. She coaxed me through the birth of my son. Six months later we drove back to Alaska. To this day, she remains my dearest sister-friend; twenty years of friendship and we’ve spent no more than two weeks total time in the same room. She has known both extreme happiness & extreme pain in life. She has known hardship. She is beautiful inside and out. I aspire to learn from her faith. her trust in God and in people.

The hardship of living in an abusive marriage provided me an opportunity to strengthen a closer relationship with Jesus and my Heavenly Father, and I have two wonderful children. Children I would never, ever, in a million years trade for a different marriage. Don’t get me wrong, if I could have the same children with a different marriage – then, yes please! I would like to think I could have learned many of the life lessons I’ve learned in a different way :-)…but, I do believe my Heavenly Father does know best what is for His Glory.

He, who began a good work in me is working it through to completion in Christ Jesus. Some chapters of my story I wouldn’t mind if they’d been edited out – but not at the expense of the lessons I learned.

I am God’s masterpiece.
He created me new in Christ Jesus.
He created me so I could do the good things He planned.
Specific good things He planned long ago. Just for me.
Ephesians 2:10

The stories of my life have not taken my Heavenly Father by surprise. In fact, He created me just for this story.

I can’t say if the move back to Alaska is what saved us from his poor choices, or if they intensified his poor choices. Life was far from easy. May I suggest, if you have a family member who doesn’t seem like themselves and you think there are marriage problems – without prying and controlling, try to learn more. Don’t decide what you know based on what you think you see. When we moved back I was in full-on survival mode. I was also a first time mom of a six month old who had been mobile since four months, and started walking at seven months. It was what I knew in my marriage relationship. My family did not understand the change, nor did they imagine the source of the changes in me. I came across as paranoid, irrational, and controlling. So, my behavior is what was pointed out.

Once again: Please, if you or someone you know needs help – if you don’t have a church family you can go to – contact Focus on the Family. It is important to get Godly counsel. Make sure the help you get is actually going to help, aligning Biblically with what is in Scripture. Each situation is unique.

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Lord, thank You, Thank You, THANK YOU!

They experienced the first half of the storm, praying their roof would stay attached. They live in a three story concrete home. My brother’s comment just before the storm really started – when he thought he was headed to bed – was how thankful he was to have a concrete home. Then the storm hit. Then she posted when all was quiet and they were then anticipating the second half of the storm. My dad said the second half was worse than the first. I can’t imagine.

At 5:30am for them she posted how it was almost daylight and she was afraid of what they’d find. Can you imagine – the whole horrifying ordeal, in the dead of night?! After the 5:30 post, cell service was lost.

The damage and pain is immense … but God is so good!

HUGE PRAISE #2: Another NTMA pilot wife provided updates throughout the day for the rest of us. It was many, many hours before all missionaries were able to check-in from the tribes – obviously, no cell or electricity. But all of the NTM missionaries are safe – Praise the Lord!

In the end, a portion of my brothers roof was ripped off and pinned under trees in their yard. Their washing machine, stove, and a large, full, storage cabinet of supplies was ripped to shreds, all the contents were tossed & dumped around the corner of their home. She posted it took them most of the day to cut down the trees & rebar blocking the gate into their house.

This is not what any of this looks like today – and it was all much more grown up since I took this photo – it has had 3.5 more years of growing. I guess the trees had grown up so much on the empty property in-between my brother’s home and the place behind the blue gate (where we stayed when we were there), you couldn’t see that home from my brothers. Now, it’s all been ripped bare, and the carport they had attached was down on top of the vehicle under it. But they were thankful it hadn’t blown away!

HUGE PRAISE #3: The helicopter was untouched! The hangar was damaged – inside & out – but it looks as if God Himself cupped His great big hands around the heli. The picture I saw looks like a large, shredded tree landed right next to the heli (inside the hangar) – Praise the Lord! It looks as if my brother will once again have the opportunity to fly this heli in relief effort. This will make the third year in a row he has flown relief in this helicopter in the Philippines. The first time was three years ago for Typhoon Haiyan, and almost exactly a year ago for Typhoon Kopp. In 2010 he flew a different helicopter for relief in Haiti. It is SO awesome seeing him be used by God, doing what he loves to be doing.

The above photo is when we went to the coastal tribe where Haima made landfall. I know this is NOT what this space looks like today. I haven’t heard anything more than the missionaries on the coast are all alive. As expected there were roofs and homes lost there as well. I know one of the missionary homes was a concern if it would make it through the storm – I’ve not heard. Reports will come in the days ahead. But their lives were spared.

Please continue to pray for the people of northern Luzon. This is far from over, the damage is so great. the pictures so heartbreaking. I’ve seen the damage to solid buildings, my heart aches for those who didn’t have solid walls or roof over their head in the first place. There are news reports saying 100% of the homes in Tuguegarao have been damaged by Typhoon Haima.

If you want to help financially, you can do so here: http://go.ntm.org/relief-fund.

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It’s so beautiful! We haven’t really had snow for a couple years. It is refreshing & soul soothing when a world-righting event happens – as simple as a beautiful snow.

At midnight the rain abruptly changed to snow. It made me so happy to see, especially after all non-normal of yesterday on so many levels.

Lately, I’ve been listening to Christmas music when I’m by myself. It helps me relax, reminding me of craft times/days when the kids were little. Those days are long gone, now I’m doing well to think through a whole craft in my head. … It seriously felt like a (((hug))) from my Jesus to hear Josh Groban’s Drummer Boy & watching the snowflakes – in the middle of the night, all by myself. Then, to get up just 6.5 laters and see it had actually snowed all night. {sigh}

Midnight

8 am

Noon: A beautiful trip to the Post Office!

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Oh my. I don’t think I’ve ever heard it or read it before. But I won’t ever forget it!

He brought me out into a spacious place;
He rescued me because He delighted in me.
2 Samuel 22:20

I like my space, but I feel vulnerable in spacious places. I tend to hold my emotions close. but…

He brought me out into a spacious place;

When He brings you & me into spacious places, we can trust Him. He will protect us both.

He rescued you & me. God, our Heavenly Father, sent Jesus Christ to rescue us. Jesus already died on the cross for my sins, for your sins, then He rose again three days later because He CONQUERED death.

He rescued me…

Why did He rescue you? Why did He rescue me? because He delights in you! because He delights in me!

because He delighted in me.

God, the Creator of the whole universe, delights in you. God, the Creator of the whole universe, delights in me.

As a parent, I want to draw my children out. I want to rescue them. I delight in them. Just as my Heavenly Father wants the same relationship with me.

As a single parent, I especially want to protect & rescue my children. I want to protect them from the hurts, the consequences, of my mistakes. I want to rescue them from hurts I inflict, from consequences of my actions. … but this isn’t what my Heavenly Father wants me to do.

Just as He brought me out into the spacious place – He wants to bring them into the spacious place He has for them. He wants to rescue them because He delights in each of them.

I hope this is an encouragement to each of you today.

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These palm trees have taken a beating. The other green trees & bushes have been stripped bare. They just weathered an intense storm, (Super) Typhoon Haima. This tribal village is at, or very near, where Haima made landfall. The house next door to the porch I was standing on to take this photo lost a lot of their roof. The trees will grow again, but in the meantime – it is a time of growth & repair for people and nature alike – a time of restoration.

The “official” word – from someone living with this view – someone who weathered the storm too:

• there were NO injuries to anyone in this village. Praise the Lord!
• EVERYONE has damage to their house, or their house is now completely gone.
• There are over 100 families in this village (there are news reports saying there isn’t anyone there).

If you are so inclined, you can donate to the NTM Disaster Relief Fund.

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When we weather emotional storms in life, it can be really disorienting. It’s easy to to see the physical damage of a tangible weather storm – so it’s easy to agree it will take time to recover from the storm.

When you live in an abusive situation – parent to child, child to parent, spouse to spouse, sibling to sibling, etc. – there is an emotional storm brewing with each family gathering. 

Whether or not anyone else knows or not is irrelevant, the storm still brews. Will the storm always lash? Nope, just as weather forecasts show what is coming, but they aren’t always correct in what actually hits – you simply have to be prepared. People expect those who live in areas regularly affected by these storms to plan accordingly. Evacuate when needed. A lot of times forecasted storms blow over with no problems. Similarly, when there is physical abuse, there may be physical evidence – but when there is emotional and/or verbal abuse, there is “only” mental and emotional damage.

Just because you can’t see mental & emotional damage does not mean it is not damaging.

Reconciliation does not mean “ignore” the behavior and continue on – just like you wouldn’t ignore weather storms and act like everything is fine. We were separated for three years before he filed for divorce. During those three years, I had to work hard at learning how/what boundaries were proper and needed to be set in place. For many years, I believed reconciliation meant, if he wanted to be back in our lives on a daily basis I had to agree. This was not true. This isn’t even reconciliation, notice the definition says “two people or two different ideas” – NOT one person with one idea. There isn’t a convincing needing to happen either.

However, our God does want us to live a life of restoration.

… I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security. Jeremiah 33:6

He says: He will heal me. He will heal you. He wants to heal us.

He will allow me to enjoy abundant peace. He will allow you to enjoy abundant peace. He wants us to enjoy abundant peace.

He will allow me to enjoy abundant security. He will allow you to enjoy abundant security. He wants us to enjoy abundant security.

Definitions can be found at http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/.

Look at the definition of restoration.

• the act or process of returning something to its original condition by repairing it, cleaning it, etc.
• the act of bringing back something that existed befroe
• the act of returning something that was stolen or taken

Not one of those statements implies having to live in fear or regret of the past – original condition, existed before, returning what was stolen or taken – these sound like healing to me. From this perspective, I can easily:

Give thanks to the Lord Almighty, for the Lord is good;
His love endures forever. Jeremiah 33:11

Just as, from this perspective I can lean on Him to strengthen my children – children He loves even more than I possibly can – to live a life of restoration as well. I believe it is important as a parent to teach our children how to heal well. Whether you are a dual-parent home or a single-parent home, at some point your children will be hurt. This is a life skill they can’t live without.

Be restored in your Heavenly Father.

Please, if you or someone you know needs help, contact Focus on the Family. When you’ve been hurt and it’s time to heal, it’s too easy to be further swayed. Make sure the help you get is actually going to help, aligning Biblically with what is in Scripture. Each situation is unique.

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I don’t have a three year old and a 10 week old.
I don’t have a four year old and one year old.
I don’t have a five year old and two year old.
I don’t have a six year old and three year old.
Those were the years of being a single-but-not-yet-divorced mom.

When my children were young, I was involved in the leadership of many activities – MOPS Steering Team, AWANA leader, Bible Study teacher, Sunday School teacher, and helped with Women’s Ministry Events – I/we were involved with all of these for the first three years of our single parent days. I don’t regret those days at all. We needed the activity because we would meet with my (not yet*) ex-husband once a week in a public setting. Wednesdays. It would take us until Friday or Saturday to recover from the two hours, then Sunday – Tuesday were kept busy so we didn’t go crazy in the apprehension of Wednesday coming. Visitation days were just plain awful.

But God. To this day, the most awe-inspiring thing I remember was on the days I felt the most vulnerable God always, Always, ALWAYS had someone I knew who would be wherever we were meeting. Sometimes it was a group of people. Never was it pre-planned. But God knew and He planned. The individual or group wouldn’t talk to me and I didn’t talk to them. They were people from our church family and not necessarily people I would talk to, but I recognized them and knew at the very least I had someone to help me call for help if needed. I’m not even sure they knew what was going on – it was the reality my Heavenly Father knew I what I needed. Ironically, the one time the police were called – I’m pretty sure it was the grocery store clerk who called, who knew enough from watching previous visits. That day, I don’t remember seeing someone I knew from church. Even though we were at the grocery store – the day before Thanksgiving.

But now? When I reflect back, there are very few visits that stick out in my mind. Also, I prayed a lot. I prayed for God to erase the bad memories. I knew in order for me to “move on”, I needed to not be able to remember or visualize what went on. I am thankful, because while I have few memories of those years – overall those days were wonderful. I loved being a mom then. (I still love being a mom today – it’s just really, Really, REALLY different!) My children weren’t old enough to understand money. We lived on very little. There usually wasn’t child support, so we lived on odd jobs I might do from home and the Alaska PFDs. Because my dad was committed to my being able to stay home with my children, we’ve continued living in the apartment attached to my parents’ home. I didn’t work consistently because I didn’t have to pay rent or keep lights on or pay for heat. I paid for my car insurance and gas, food, and necessities such as toilet paper & dish soap, etc.

My point in this? More than a decade later, I know in my head those days were hard. some were truly awful. … but overall, what I remember are good times with my children, and I am so thankful!

I remember I used to think – in five days, five months, five years, ten years, or even fifteen years – will I remember this [whatever hardship]? Now – it’s been more than fifteen years! I can honestly say, nope. I know there were many hardships, but I don’t remember specific details. I remember those days fondly.

The other question I remember pondering, will this parental battle be worth it? They must have been, because my children have mostly grown up – one is considered an adult – and they’re good kids. Yes, there has been conflict, but overall – it’s all good.

Now: I’ve been a single mom for 16 years.
Now: Now I have a child in college and my baby is a junior in high school. They are 19 & 16!
Now: I’m staring to stare down the reality of children no longer at home.

*We were separated for three years before he filed for divorce.

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May I encourage you to consistently rest. Build into your schedule to have a rest day. It doesn’t have to be Sundays.

I remember growing up – my mom always said Sundays were for rest so she didn’t fix big meals. I don’t remember what we did for lunch. Dinner on Sunday’s was home-made popcorn & milkshakes or malts, depending on the ingredients we had.

As a single mom I clung to this same idea…however, since popcorn makes me feel not so hot and the milkshakes always made me sick (hello, food allergies!…) the tradition didn’t stick. but the concept of rest did.

My rule: I don’t do anything I have to convince myself to do, anything feeling like work.

• If I WANT to do laundry, then I do it.
• If I WANT to clean the bathroom, then I do.
• If I WANT to clean out & organize the pantry, then I do.
• If I WANT to sit and read for hours, then I do.
• If I WANT to make a painting mess & clean it up, then I do.
• If I WANT to work on the computer for something personal, then I do.
• If I WANT to color for hours, then I do.
• BUT, if I at all don’t want to do something – I DON’T.

When my two were littles – I decided I WANTED to be with them. I WANTED to play, color, read, watch something with them. It was my pleasure as their mom to just be with them. It wasn’t a have to do. Of course, as they’ve gotten older this changes and looks differently. Lately, I don’t open email on Sundays. Somehow it is my time vortex, I open it because I think I want to and before I know it – I’m on 15 work bunny trails.

Just giving myself permission to have one day in the week I allow for what I WANT to do made all the difference when my children were littles and now they are grown – it still makes all the difference. It still does. This year because I’m the driver again for any of Christine’s activities and she starts the week at 5pm on Sundays. Saturdays are my new Sabbath Rest day, and I still don’t open email on Sunday.

Please, pick a day for a Sabbath. Spend some time with just you and Jesus.

His time is flexible and if your rest day is Monday, He’ll meet you then.
If your rest day is Tuesday, He’ll be 15 minutes early.
If your rest day is Wednesday, He’ll be rejoicing you have a rest day planned.
If your rest day is Thursday, He’ll love you just like on all the other days of the week.
If your rest day is Friday, He’ll waiting.
If your rest day is Saturday, He’ll be so excited to spend time with you.
If your rest day changes each week, He’ll never ever have a schedule conflict.

I promise, you won’t ever, ever regret the habit. and, you’ll find your mental refreshed state you’ll actually get more done when you have the next “normal” day. If it’s too daunting to “lose” a whole day – start with half a day. My recommendation – go cold turkey. I think you’ll find the longer you incorporate this “practice” you won’t even think it makes any sense to try to work 24/7 anymore.

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Anyway, on to a form how reflection. More like, a question to you – how do you reflect? I don’t remember if I’ve ever said it here or not and I’m not going to take the time to check right now. But for some reason, I’m in charge of technical stuff in our house. Now, my household is my two children & I, but we live in an apartment attached to my parents’ home. So, the two of them live on the “other side” of the house…

In this house we are 70, 68, 43, 19, and 16. It isn’t the 19 OR the 16 year old who are interested in keeping everything running or even know how to hook up the TV to the DVD or the Apple TV or the Kindle Fire Stick – no, I hook it up and they run the remotes. Remotes confuse me. They’re wireless, they don’t have cords so you can just look at the other end to see what is connected where. I’m a hands on, visual person. I require color to understand. Wireless doesn’t come with color. Much like apps versus using a real website – why?? I guess you could say I’m an old fashioned technical geek? So… on those notes. Today I’m going to reference the post I posted on the other site’s 31 Days | Virtual Organizing. Today is on Save or Save As. As I wrote on my other blog (& so far all of the other posts too) I keep thinking how true this is in life as well. I find it interesting how our humanness penetrates everything, even technology – I’m going to attempt to explain my rambling.

To save a file in the computer, or a memory in your mind or your child’s mind. You simply save. It will stay named as-is, and the location will remain where-is. This happens naturally without much effort – in fact if you use Google Docs, or other Cloud based drives it will automatically save for you without you even telling it to “save”.

This is great, it can be super helpful, but it also can completely fill up your drive space with a whole lot of nothing of value. Think about all the auto saves when you’re writing an email. Have you ever tried to search and you find like 150 of the same email because it’s every version from the time you started writing to the time you sent it (or is it just me who can take hours to write an email?)

Back to memories, you naturally hang onto a lot. In addition, look how easily we can take photos of anything to “remember” it, but is this always helpful or can all of the “saves” bog down our memories? Especially since the saving happens as-is, where-is. Think about all the times our children upset us or we upset them. If every hurt is saved, our heart, mind, and soul get bogged down. We have to let things go – or “re-file” them where they belong.…which is where we can use a “Save As” in life.

To Save As, you make a deliberate choice. You don’t accidentally Save As.
Praise is a Choice.

Save As is when you save a file to make a duplicate – but you have to change the file name or location. You can’t have two exactly the same in the same place. Just like you can’t have two people have the exact same memory of an event – the memory’s location is different (two different people’s heads). And one person can’t have two different accounts of the same memory. I believe this is where perspective & expectation come in.

As a single parent our perspective is different than other friends who are also parents, or other friends who are single and not parents (besides the obvious of we are all different) – where do we fit? I believe it is our expectations that really get us into trouble though. Please don’t get mad at me, but I wonder – is single parenting harder or is it just different than our expectations?

My perspective on married life growing up = when you got married it was for life. One decision, repeatedly pre-decided to stay together many times. Yes, it would take work. No, it wouldn’t always be easy.

My expectation was based on the belief we were raised similarly in Christian homes, my expectation was based on he actually meant what he said. I had no concept of the effects of alcohol. I had no concept of what abuse looked like other than hearing (reading in a book) about someone with obvious bruises. I had no concept of the hurt in me from previous abuse, which completely tainted my perspective.

I needed a “Save As” as badly as most days I need an “undo”!

To “Save As”, is to know you’re going to save something – but you want it in a different location and/or a different name. Praising the LORD’s name works like a “Save As” in life. When we focus on Him, our perspective will change to line up with how He sees us.

Please don’t get me wrong – I am not saying single parenting is easy. I know it isn’t! I’m also not saying “fake it ’til you make it” – honestly, I’ve begun to wonder if that is a lie from the pit. I do need to choose to Praise Him, I do need to choose to put one foot in front of the other many days, but these aren’t the same as faking everything’s okay today.

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