I didn’t finish 31 Days – back in October. and I’m not sure I will.

I was launching my business blog, the same month. I thought it would be easier to make writing a priority if I was writing for two blogs (I could separate me from my geekiness)…which was true.

EXCEPT, I didn’t account for the emotional energy required for writing about our life Reflections.

AND, I had a product launch happening for my brothers site. which resulted in lots of orders (I’m the packaging & shipping department).

AND both my daughter & I got sick the end of September – and one or both of us have basically been sick ever since. It’s been a really long school year.

I knew I wasn’t really done with the life verses of 2015 & 2016. Remember, I’m a slow processor, so while the masses choose a different word each year, it takes me longer to “be done” with the word. It feels as if the last three One Words & Life Verses have totally gone together, growing, showing another perspective.

| Embrace |

The definition of embrace: (verb) accept or support (a belief, theory, or change) willingly and enthusiastically; (noun) an act of accepting or supporting something willingly or enthusiastically.

If you care to know, my business is Dot&Ink Designs. My brother’s is Blue Ice Aviation – if you need an Alaska scenery calendar and you don’t want to pay shipping…digital calendars are now an option.

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Four years ago my One Word was Trust.
Three years ago my One Word was Receive.
Two years ago my One Word was a continuation of three years ago.
Last year my One Word was Embrace.

I can confidently say I do trust Him. For my journey, I am still working on learning to receive, but this is definitely easier than it has been. The second part of my learning to receive was choosing to embrace.

Four years ago I started pondering Isaiah 43:18-19, which was when I knew I needed to learn to receive. Working on receiving well (not just choosing to accept) was the second year I spent on receive. Receiving lead me to knowing I would have to work hard at embracing. all. the. changes. … and have there been a boatload of them since May 2016, and they’ll continue through this year!

“Forget about what’s happened;
    don’t keep going over old history.

Be alert. Be present.

I’m about to do something brand-new.
    It’s bursting out! Don’t you see it?”

These verses come to mind quite consistently in my day to day life.

:: A constant reminder to be alert. be present. to look for the new things He is doing.
:: A constant reminder to choose to receive His grace over all.

It has taken me a few years to get to the point of being excited about His plans, without experiencing mind-paralyzing fear of the unknown. He knew I would need more time before I could anticipate well the plans He has for me (Jeremiah 29:11-14). I didn’t realize it until reflecting & writing this post – He started working on me four years ago! (can you say SERIOUSLY S.L.O.W. PROCESSOR! – good grief ?)

All of of this is to lead up to telling you the significance of my one word for 2018: Eager.

I am honestly EAGER for all of the changes & challenges ahead in this new year.

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Choosing to embrace medical ways was hard. But I believe God works through doctors and medicines. Our bodies are crazy complex creations. It took a few doctors and doctor referrals and referrals from those doctors to get to some REALLY good ones. In the end, she has learned how to manage. She made it through the wedding being well. She was able to go on a 10-day kayaking trip – learning even more about herself and how much to push.

I chose to embrace all the changes planned with my son’s wedding. WOW! My daughter & I were so blessed by the bride and her family including us. Starting August’ish of 2016, I started meeting with two friends for Bible Study. One, we’ve been friends for about 20 years. The other, my son’s now mother-in-law. Our Bible Study time became wedding planning time, which has become visit time :-). But the blessing of being friends with my son’s new mom is amazing!

While the year was one with a lot of changes & adjustments,

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It’s that time again.

As Christmas approached and life felt calmer than it had for a long time, I realized I was enjoying the fruits of my one word last year. I had a whole list of words I was debating, interestingly enough, I didn’t remember the rest of them specifically, but as I think over last year I can remember moments of those words all being front and center and choosing to trust above all. In January 2014, I wrote a list for how I was going to choose to trust. Now, a year later, I can see how trust was just a first step (& a glimpse or two of growth).

My word for this year was hard for me to come up with, so much so I was debating if I was even going to “do it”. I was leaning more towards picking a verse to live by, to remember each day at random moments when things were “off”, to filter each upcoming circumstance thru; but then I started seeing all these posts about picking a verse…and the rebellion in me surfaced.

I didn’t want to do what everyone else was doing.

So I did the mature thing (HA!). I decided I didn’t care and wasn’t going to participate in any of “it” this year. I’d just continue to focus on trust. After all, I have a long ways to go yet to be able to say I “get” the idea of trust.

then …

in reading yet another book*; listening to yet another song* and having a resulting conversation with my daughter* (and finding out I was horribly wrong in that conversation*); and a couple Bible Studies later…. I was feeling as if I’d failed the whole year and hadn’t learn how to trust at all…..

then …

there was a verse I’m sure I’ve read before. a verse I know I’ve heard before. but, it seriously slapped me in the face, Isaiah 43:18 & 19 from the Message, it stood in front of me waving it’s arms to get my attention – then it hit me. hard. like knocked the wind out of me:

“Forget about what’s happened;
    don’t keep going over old history.

Be alert. Be present.

I’m about to do something brand-new.
    It’s bursting out! Don’t you see it?”

What?

• Forget about what’s happened?* I thought I was supposed to remember so I don’t repeat the mistakes I’ve made in the past.
• Don’t keep going over old history? I thought I was supposed to learn from the past in order to not waste the pain. I knew I wasn’t to dwell on it, but I did think I was supposed to use it as a reference point.*
• He is going to do something brand-new?* So, I should anticipate change?* I should look forward to something new? “It’s bursting out? Don’t you see it?” To me, this sounds like it means it’s something good, not to be afraid of. (I realize Jeremiah 29:11 says He has good plans for us, but I still haven’t ever enjoyed change, or the idea of change.)

When I read this, I all of a sudden had the image of me pushing His gift of grace & unconditional love back into His hands, of me telling Him (by my actions) Jesus wasn’t/isn’t enough. I was sickened. I’m sure it was the combination of doing an Advent Bible Study (an actual study, not activities like I’ve tried in the past) and working on Christmas gifts that His ultimate gift/giving a gift were so closely at the front of my mind. Since June I’ve been trying to grasp how extravagant our God is*. This is NOT a philosophy I’ve grown up with, believe, exercised, or even really considered to be truth – until June 2014.

Mind boggling. I realized I really did need to branch out my focus for 2015, to not just to focus on trust. but instead, what I was going to do with trust. I continued to pray & ask for help to see what He wanted me to see, hear what He wanted me to hear, and then trust what I saw & heard. I knew there were still pieces missing in my mind.

Then, in church another verse got me. Romans 12:12

“Rejoice in hope.

Be patient in tribulation.

Be constant in prayer.”

My answer: Hope. Anticipation. Patience. Prayer.

My answer, but not my word. It didn’t “feel” right, it wasn’t complete. Following is an incomplete copy/paste of my text conversation with a dear, dear sister-friend who knows ALL my ugly, understands my way of thinking, has listened to ENDLESS hours of my verbal processing, and helped me stay focused on Him. (by the way, this conversation was as she crossed over into 2015 and I was still waiting for the clock to turn over)

me: what is the word for imagine/anticipate/expect/look forward to?
her: Man, you said them all
me: there isn’t one word that means all of it? I’m trying to summarize my ‘one word’ for 2015. last year was trust – this year, Is 43:18&19 in the message is what I want to hang onto each morning
her: Expectancy…….Hope
me: hope is what i’ve thought before, but i feel like the desperate part of hope has dropped off for me
her: Faith is the substance of things hoped for……..hope is made of faith
me: so which comes first
her: They flow together
me: so can you have faith without hope or hope without faith? Im’ confused on which I don’t have. or should i say – which i struggle with more
her: because you need to exercise acceptance. So maybe that is the word, acceptance

(I had forgotten I felt that way about the word hope – until getting on to write this post and seeing I wrote it a year ago. BUT, I’m so excited to note the “desperate part of hope has dropped off for me” without even really remembering it was something I was wanting to see changed!)

So I ushered in the new year thinking ‘acceptance’ was my one word…but I noticed when I’d think about writing it, I felt panicky. as in mind shut down panicky. A couple more days of prayer and a the middle of the night revelation (as in woke me up out of a hard sleep & I still remembered it in the morning!!!).

What was this middle of the night revelation? My problem with ‘acceptance’ was too often I have felt as if I had to accept something/s. circumstances I can’t change. it’s a feeling of being resigned to what is going on. I have a choice to choose a good attitude or not, but I can’t change what is happening.

Receive.

Receive is the word I was looking for. Receive is the word that makes my soul sigh with relief. For your sake (& because of time restraints), I’m not going to explain all this means to me right now. 🙂 What I will say – I am thoroughly anticipating this new year and all it will bring like no other year before. I am eager to receive all He has in store – good and bad. hard and easy. deep and superficial. fleeting and long-lasting. Crazy, but I think I might actually be going down the right path. with the lights on so I can see.

* these are all bunny trails you can thank me for NOT taking you on (for today at least :-D). However, you can expect to see them brought up again in future posts. Just as soon as I can wrap my brain around processing them and writing it out.

I am linking up with the Faith Barista for Beloved Brews.

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I didn’t get to posting my |365:oneword| word yet. I’ve been too busy bringing in the new year. 😀 We typically don’t go to movie theaters – but so far this year I’ve double my attendance for the last two years! The last movie I saw in the theater was the first Hobbit in December 2012. On New Years Eve night we re-watched this movie with my parents (my parents hadn’t seen it since sitting in a theater in Manila with my brother & his family) then on New Year’s Day, we saw the 2nd one in 3D in the middle of the day. Such a fun [should-be-new-tradition] way to bring in the new year. We stopped at Walmart on the way home to get different frozen fries and we had hamburgers & french fries for dinner and put in the first Lord of the Rings movie.

The story is making so much more sense! Yes, I’ve ‘read’ the books – mom read them to us when we were kids, but I’ve finally seen enough parts it’s starting to make more sense. These books (& Narnia) aren’t the kind of book I enjoy reading, so it’s taken a while for me to get the story lines. For me, understanding is visual. So while I like a movie to place the pieces – but I’m a wuss, so I have watched a good portion of these movies with my eyes closed. <– this really makes it hard to follow a story line! 😀

Anyway, then yesterday we went again to the theater, with my mom & 3 year old niece to see Frozen (<– SO good!). Frozen is more my style of intensity :-D. I cried. more than once. Yes, it hit me in some tender spots. I identified too easily with the older sister’s concealing, ‘to not let anyone know’ and then her relief in the freedom. Which fell in line with the books I’ve been reading/studying/learning SO much from this last year. [Emily Freeman‘s Grace for the Good Girl and A Million Little Ways; Holley Gerth‘s You’re Already Amazing and You’re Made for a God-Sized Dream; and Angie Smith‘s Mended] These books have lead me to places I’ve been afraid of. Helped me sort out what I’ve been afraid of. And shown me, encouraged me to seek Him for healing in those dark corners of my heart and mind.

When thinking about my |365:oneword| I wanted a word to encompass my desire to hang onto the good in 2013 and not allow it to be overshadowed by the hard. I wanted to do oneword last year, but I hadn’t had enough time to pray, process, and think about what my oneword would be before January hit with a bang. Starting on the 3rd of January, 2013 felt a bit as if hell was reaching out, trying to get a grip on our family. I’m happy to report, it failed. I can say in November, the first of 2013 I felt I could really get a deep breath, I was overwhelmed with gratitude. So grateful for the previous months, the hardness, the learning. We had many good times in 2013 – after all, we went to the Philippines for two months! But the icky things were pretty explosively icky and tended to cast a pretty big shadow.

As we hit numerous ‘One year ago today…’ moments, I knew I was going to need a secure word to hang onto as a lifeline. A lifeline to my Christ, my Heavenly Father, my Wonderful Counselor, my Savior. The water might get a little rough, I might get a little (or a lot) wet – but I don’t need to drown. 2013 was hard and I don’t want the learning – or pain – to be wasted. I feel as if I’m desperately clinging to the truths I’ve learned, resetting my thinking and self-talk. In 2014 I want to allow this growing process to continue and I want to thrive in the process. I don’t have a real descriptive vocabulary, so I started making a list in MSWord and then using the ‘look-up’ command to see what the words really meant, not just going by what I thought they meant. Here is a partial walk through my mind:

Embrace. I want to embrace all that God is doing in my life. I don’t want to ‘go back’. It will take baby steps, but I want to enjoy the journey.

Thrive | Flourish. I want to thrive in the life God has given me and the freedom I have because of Jesus’ death & resurrection. I want Him to flourish in and through me.

Truth. Reality. Certainty. Factual. I want to only speak His Truth, to others of course – but to myself. I’m done with allowing the ‘subtle’ lies to be the louder voice in my head.

Trust. I’m pretty quick to admit I have a trust issue with people. However, I’ve never thought I had a trust issue with God. I easily say I trust Him. in everything. with everything/everyone.

Relish. I want to enjoy, delight in, savor, take pleasure in, appreciate all He has provided. I want to be a [joy full] child of God.

Hope. I hope, expect, trust, anticipate, look forward to so much; most importantly is my hope in Him. However, I found it interesting when used as a noun, hope can mean confident desire. I can’t even imagine, I’ve always felt more desperate in hope. Definitely not confident in my desires. Hope has always seemed a bit fleeting to me. I could hope, but would ‘it really happen?’

Desire. wish, want, longing, craving, yearning – gives more of the desperate feeling I was just talking about. I want to hope/desire to have a single focus – to glorify Him.

Confident. Certain, positive, convinced, secure. self-assured. Definitely could use confidence, but I know confidence at this point would be like a bandaid where stitches, or surgery, is needed. It would be false. Not coming from a right place.

In the end, I have to go with trust. Honestly, this is the scariest for me. But I’m currently reading Grace for the Good Girl by Emily Freeman and I’m pretty sure leaving the masks off is going to be hard. It’s going to take trust. It may prove to be the hardest task I’ve ever done.

To look at the synonyms [belief, hope, conviction, confidence, expectation, reliance, dependence] and definitions [to rely on somebody or something; confidently allow somebody to do something, place something in somebody’s care] of trust, I don’t have an issue with any of those ideas. for others. for circumstances. for whatever. as long as it isn’t for me. When disappointed, I’ve always chosen to say/believe it is for the best. I do believe this is still true, but just saying it doesn’t make it not hurt. I’ve recently learned it’s okay to acknowledge the grief of disappointment. Of course, we don’t want to get stuck there, but to not acknowledge the hurt isn’t healthy.

This last fall, in separate instances, from multiple people, I was told I was “hard to read/didn’t show expression”, they didn’t know what I thought about something. These things were not said unkindly or in any kind of confrontation or ‘you need to…’ type statements, they were said matter-of-fact, as a side comment. Which stopped me short. To think friends (friends I consider very dear) didn’t think they really knew me – begged me to face the question, Was it because I didn’t trust them? Which led to – If I don’t trust my closest friends, how can I trust God? Which led me to – Do I trust God? My initial thought would be: of course I trust them, especially God. But, I realized I also quickly have a qualifier to what/when I trust. I started to see it wasn’t “just others I didn’t know” I didn’t trust.

• I trust I will embrace all God is doing in my life and I can enjoy the journey.
• I trust I can thrive in the life God has given me.
• I trust His Spirit will flourish in and through me.
• I trust He will help me speak only truth.
• I trust I will relish life in a way I haven’t before.
• I trust I will learn to hope as a noun – in confident desire.
• I trust my desire will be singly focused on my Heavenly Father.
• I trust I will be confident in His plan. 

This year, these 365 days of 2014, I want to trust.

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