So. If you’ve been reading here for a while, you’ll remember today is Friday and that means it’s time for 5Min Friday! This is one of the few consistencies here on my blog – I look forward to posting on Fridays. last week I did not make it. Three out of the three of us were sick, my computer was disconnected, and the contents of my living room were in my bedroom. New week, new month. If this is your first time here – welcome, and thank you for stopping by.
Here are the rules from Lisa-Jo, where I’ll be linking up:
1. Write for 5 minutes flat for pure unedited love of the written word.
2. Link back here and invite others to join in {you can grab the button code in my blog footer}
3. Go leave some comment props for the five minute artist who linked up before you {and if you love us, consider turning off word verification for the day to make it easier for folks to say howdy}
{… In order for this post to make much sense, you might want to go back and read about January 2013, but it certainly isn’t necessary.}
Afraid…
Thursday, January 31st – 10:13pm: I’m sitting down to write my 5Min Friday on the word ‘Afraid’. I was debating waiting to write tomorrow, but know my brain will write & re-write the post a bazillion times during the night – because I know this word. So, I might as well just write now – right?
::Go:: I am ashamed how quickly I can think of lots to write about being afraid. How quickly the last month floods my mind. I was thinking I’d wait until tomorrow to write.
then I received a text from mom: ‘R u still up can i call?‘
This has been a month where I have received that text too many times! And never once has it brought good news. My immediate thought is ‘ACCCCKKKK!!!! there are ONLY 2 hours left of January 2013. Can’t we just be done already?!’
I text back a simple ‘yes’.
She calls my house phone. I expected her to call the cell – the one in my hand. By the time I get to the house phone the answering machine has picked up & my breaths aren’t getting me much needed oxygen. My fingers are cold. Afraid. Fear. Overwhelming, racing heart, blood chilling fear of so many things. My brain races. It takes a couple tries to answer. She’s asking if she should call back on cell.
I’m rude and say – “you better start talking”. My brain can’t think clearly. I feel sick to my stomach. I hear myself screaming, “now what?!”
and she says, ‘I just want to keep you in the loop of the family.’
Again, a statement I’ve heard too many times this month. My heart stops. Is this about the conversation we didn’t ever go back & finish. the one from last week comes to mind. The one about the benign biopsy. My mind races to remember if we were waiting for more results. or results from a different test. Is dad sick? Is that why he didn’t answer my text earlier tonight? ::Stop::
We talk a bit. It takes a good solid 20 min for my heart rate to be ‘normal’ again.
She was in fact updating me on new developments from one of the earlier events of this year, but I seem to have lost ‘my’ responding skills. I hate being in full on attack, react mode. I really don’t like this. Fear does this. Being afraid does this. I am afraid to go to bed tonight. I know the nightmares will try to surface. But I so desperately need to go to sleep. I need to get well. My throat hurts. While incredibly devastating, the talking & processing the month has required has brought our family closer. I can choose to be thankful, I can even feel thankful without much effort, in a relatively short amount of time. Considering.
I am determined to get back to a life of responding. But it will be a new response. Not just self-determined response. But:
A response based in Him. A response based on His promises.
A response based on my thankfulness for His faithfulness.
I will choose to respond so He shines more gloriously in ALL situations.
I believe, January 2013 will take me from a life time of trained response for the purpose of being invisible, to a life-time of heart response to show Him more fully.
I hope and pray in time, this shows less fear. Less of me being afraid. Less of me. More of Him.
Despite the fear. I have peace. He is in control!
The verse & picture I put in my calendar for this month – back when I didn’t know what was in store for January 2013. I remember praying as I chose verses. Praying I would choose the verse I need to see in front of me each day:
Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5, 6
Trusting in the LORD with all my heart = January 2013, I can’t depend on my own understanding, it’s too confusing and emotionally twisted. {So emotionally overwhelming. I can’t begin to sort it all out – but in His time, I will get it sorted.}
Trusting in the LORD with all my heart = I am still unemployed, I can’t depend on my own understanding, it’s too confusing and seems so pointless. {Really, 5 months now. this is painful. ‘what am I doing wrong?’ to ‘what is wrong with me?’ invades all waking & sleeping hours. }
Trusting in the LORD with all my heart = I still have no business up and going. I can’t depend on my own understanding, it’s too confusing and I don’t have answers. {Remember, I’d planned to dive in at the first of the year. Yet, right now I’m doing well to have right-side up vs up-side down figured out – let alone running a business. Again, I wonder – ‘what am I doing wrong?’ and ‘what is wrong with me.’}
Can you see my really, skinny fine line of my trusting becoming being afraid?
I am choosing to trust Him. With my whole heart.
I can not depend on my own understanding. I don’t have any left.
I am choosing to acknowledge Him. He promises to make my path straight. {like the board handrail}