Courtesy of my daughter enjoying poetry, we have some books around….I saw this poem and it gives me the giggles. I actually understand it. identify with it. picture it. feel it.
The Lost Thought
I felt a clearing in my mind
As if my brain had split;
I tried to match it, seam by seam,
But could not make them fit.
The thought behind I strove to join
Unto the thought before,
But sequence ravelled out of reach
Like balls upon a floor.
~by Emily Dickenson
{warning: you probably want to stop reading now. I’m warning you that is seriously the last of my making any sense! This will be a rambling post, I’m attempting to track some of my own thoughts for later, but they are definitely like balls (or marbles, or little beads) rolling, in every direction, around on the floor!}
It is a crazy world we live in. We go at warp speed to keep up and ache for time to slow down. Remember the saying, “don’t forget to stop to smell the flowers” {or whatever it really is}? Well, anymore I don’t think it is so much we forget, we want to, ache to, but if we even slow down to try to get a whiff we’ll get run over by life. I have been handed an unexpected gift. A gift, a blessing, I’m sure God knew I would need, but I’m finding myself almost confused by the counter balancing taking place.
I am down to my regular weekly schedule being one job and one class (outside of “normal” life you know: parenting, homeschooling, piano lessons, youth group, cleaning, etc).
I feel like I used to as a MOPS (Mother of Preschooler) mom when I went somewhere without the kids and I was so used to holding a hand and/or carrying a car seat, or baby, that when I tried to do something simple I had a hard time. You know what I mean, when it’s time to checkout and you feel as if you’re doing it weird because you don’t need to counter-balance anyone else’s weight but you’re trying to anyway.
I’m going to back up a little bit: obviously I didn’t get around to any updating before Christmas break was done :-)! I’m not really going to update much, but we have had many more changes and are into another round of changing – again. In case anyone is wondering and hasn’t figured out for sure – we are homeschooling again, and loving it! I am thankful for the things we all learned {my daughter likes poetry?!} and know it was necessary to get through last fall with the kids being ‘in’ school; but we are all thrilled to be living our more “normal” way of life. If someone is actually reading this and wants to know more, feel free to ask me, but I won’t write more about it here. I don’t regret my decision last fall, I know it was totally right, it was not a mistake, and I’m thankful for the way things have worked out.
I posted two finals yesterday and started my final class today – 9 weeks from today (April 10) I will be 100% done! In order to have some sanity to get through the holidays, and because I was seriously losing my doggie paddle fight and was in way over my head, totally drowning – I put one of my jobs on hold until today. When I requested this it was mid-November, a finals week, and between my two online jobs I was needing to put in 40 hours; and I thought I was starting the next week with 3 classes and I would have been graduated as of midnight last night. The one job was “student friendly” and said I could wait and return to work today. It ended up being one of my classes was a pre-requisite to the other, so I couldn’t take the final 3 classes, but only 2 of them. As always, God was totally watching out for me – one of those two classes was Life Science {more commonly known as Biology!}. I really, really dislike Science – in particular, Biology… I won’t say any more – except, I’m in design – web design, graphic design — why oh why did I need Biology?! ugh! But that is done now.
So anyway, I had this mental plan even though I was a bit unsure how it would all play out. See, when I put the one job on hold I supposedly gained 4 hours per day – I’m not sure where those hours went, but I never got them. They went into hiding somewhere (Vince said they became ‘roll-over’ hours! –smart mouth :-)!!) so, I knew that I would have two more classes done yesterday and today I’d start this job again and I’d work one job 4 hours/day; have one class; and the 2nd job was to be no more than 10 hours/week…so 1 class, work 30 hrs/week, and homeschool — yes it would be a lot, but only for 9 weeks. Then I’d be graduated and only working 30 hours/week until I got my own business up and going – less than last summer’s schedule of work 20 hrs online/wk and the most horrible, worst class ever (programming that had 3-4 assignments each week at 6-8 hours each assignment-online) and another class. Again…anyway, so I posted my second final last night and dutifully within 2 hours checked into my work email, for the “student friendly” job only to find out they had let me go, due to a change of direction of how money was going to be spent and unavailability of hours for me to work. So, just like that – I have one job and one class. My mind is reeling with all the things I can do, I don’t have to muster up 20 hours in my week from nowhere. I don’t have to ‘do it all’ and be miserable for the next 9 weeks. I get to enjoy life. I get to anticipate spring {breakup}. I get to be “just” a homeschooling mom, taking a class, and working a job that has a limit of 10 hours per week. I get to spend the time learning how to use my new Wacom tablet. I get to play with my new Cricut machine (Christmas present-haven’t even opened the box yet). I get to sew. I get to read again {for fun!}. I get to detach my face from the computer for multiple hours per day. I get to have empty space in my head. This morning I woke up and just laid there awake for a half hour, because I could. I have 9 weeks to transition into NOT being a full-time student. This last class will take a lot of time, in fact it could be pretty brutal, similar to the dreaded programming class {or Biology}….but it has the potential of being actual usable information I need to know {unlike Biology-seriously, I’ve lived this long not needing to know anything Biology related, why would I need to know it now?}.
Amongst all that relief is a small, niggling voice that wants to remind me I had a plan for that income – it was the “steady income” I was going to rely on. He has given me 9 weeks to work on getting my business started, my other job is a contract through June – it may or may not be renewed. However, after 8 years of no income – I have had four different jobs since starting school; two out of the house and two online. My reasoning for going to school was to earn an income from home.
I am choosing to not be freaked and instead I am choosing joy, relief, and peace in the knowledge that God has a plan. A perfect plan. A plan to bring Him glory; I am choosing to trust His goodness. He will provide in His perfect way. He promised.