Happy New Year!
The story is making so much more sense! Yes, I’ve ‘read’ the books – mom read them to us when we were kids, but I’ve finally seen enough parts it’s starting to make more sense. These books (& Narnia) aren’t the kind of book I enjoy reading, so it’s taken a while for me to get the story lines. For me, understanding is visual. So while I like a movie to place the pieces – but I’m a wuss, so I have watched a good portion of these movies with my eyes closed. <– this really makes it hard to follow a story line! 😀
Anyway, then yesterday we went again to the theater, with my mom & 3 year old niece to see Frozen (<– SO good!). Frozen is more my style of intensity :-D. I cried. more than once. Yes, it hit me in some tender spots. I identified too easily with the older sister’s concealing, ‘to not let anyone know’ and then her relief in the freedom. Which fell in line with the books I’ve been reading/studying/learning SO much from this last year. [Emily Freeman‘s Grace for the Good Girl and A Million Little Ways; Holley Gerth‘s You’re Already Amazing and You’re Made for a God-Sized Dream; and Angie Smith‘s Mended] These books have lead me to places I’ve been afraid of. Helped me sort out what I’ve been afraid of. And shown me, encouraged me to seek Him for healing in those dark corners of my heart and mind.
When thinking about my |365:oneword| I wanted a word to encompass my desire to hang onto the good in 2013 and not allow it to be overshadowed by the hard. I wanted to do oneword last year, but I hadn’t had enough time to pray, process, and think about what my oneword would be before January hit with a bang. Starting on the 3rd of January, 2013 felt a bit as if hell was reaching out, trying to get a grip on our family. I’m happy to report, it failed. I can say in November, the first of 2013 I felt I could really get a deep breath, I was overwhelmed with gratitude. So grateful for the previous months, the hardness, the learning. We had many good times in 2013 – after all, we went to the Philippines for two months! But the icky things were pretty explosively icky and tended to cast a pretty big shadow.
As we hit numerous ‘One year ago today…’ moments, I knew I was going to need a secure word to hang onto as a lifeline. A lifeline to my Christ, my Heavenly Father, my Wonderful Counselor, my Savior. The water might get a little rough, I might get a little (or a lot) wet – but I don’t need to drown. 2013 was hard and I don’t want the learning – or pain – to be wasted. I feel as if I’m desperately clinging to the truths I’ve learned, resetting my thinking and self-talk. In 2014 I want to allow this growing process to continue and I want to thrive in the process. I don’t have a real descriptive vocabulary, so I started making a list in MSWord and then using the ‘look-up’ command to see what the words really meant, not just going by what I thought they meant. Here is a partial walk through my mind:
Embrace. I want to embrace all that God is doing in my life. I don’t want to ‘go back’. It will take baby steps, but I want to enjoy the journey.
Thrive | Flourish. I want to thrive in the life God has given me and the freedom I have because of Jesus’ death & resurrection. I want Him to flourish in and through me.
Truth. Reality. Certainty. Factual. I want to only speak His Truth, to others of course – but to myself. I’m done with allowing the ‘subtle’ lies to be the louder voice in my head.
Trust. I’m pretty quick to admit I have a trust issue with people. However, I’ve never thought I had a trust issue with God. I easily say I trust Him. in everything. with everything/everyone.
Relish. I want to enjoy, delight in, savor, take pleasure in, appreciate all He has provided. I want to be a [joy full] child of God.
Hope. I hope, expect, trust, anticipate, look forward to so much; most importantly is my hope in Him. However, I found it interesting when used as a noun, hope can mean confident desire. I can’t even imagine, I’ve always felt more desperate in hope. Definitely not confident in my desires. Hope has always seemed a bit fleeting to me. I could hope, but would ‘it really happen?’
Desire. wish, want, longing, craving, yearning – gives more of the desperate feeling I was just talking about. I want to hope/desire to have a single focus – to glorify Him.
Confident. Certain, positive, convinced, secure. self-assured. Definitely could use confidence, but I know confidence at this point would be like a bandaid where stitches, or surgery, is needed. It would be false. Not coming from a right place.
In the end, I have to go with trust. Honestly, this is the scariest for me. But I’m currently reading Grace for the Good Girl by Emily Freeman and I’m pretty sure leaving the masks off is going to be hard. It’s going to take trust. It may prove to be the hardest task I’ve ever done.
To look at the synonyms [belief, hope, conviction, confidence, expectation, reliance, dependence] and definitions [to rely on somebody or something; confidently allow somebody to do something, place something in somebody’s care] of trust, I don’t have an issue with any of those ideas. for others. for circumstances. for whatever. as long as it isn’t for me. When disappointed, I’ve always chosen to say/believe it is for the best. I do believe this is still true, but just saying it doesn’t make it not hurt. I’ve recently learned it’s okay to acknowledge the grief of disappointment. Of course, we don’t want to get stuck there, but to not acknowledge the hurt isn’t healthy.
This last fall, in separate instances, from multiple people, I was told I was “hard to read/didn’t show expression”, they didn’t know what I thought about something. These things were not said unkindly or in any kind of confrontation or ‘you need to…’ type statements, they were said matter-of-fact, as a side comment. Which stopped me short. To think friends (friends I consider very dear) didn’t think they really knew me – begged me to face the question, Was it because I didn’t trust them? Which led to – If I don’t trust my closest friends, how can I trust God? Which led me to – Do I trust God? My initial thought would be: of course I trust them, especially God. But, I realized I also quickly have a qualifier to what/when I trust. I started to see it wasn’t “just others I didn’t know” I didn’t trust.
- I trust I will embrace all God is doing in my life and I can enjoy the journey.
- I trust I can thrive in the life God has given me.
- I trust His Spirit will flourish in and through me.
- I trust He will help me speak only truth.
- I trust I will relish life in a way I haven’t before.
- I trust I will learn to hope as a noun – in confident desire.
- I trust my desire will be singly focused on my Heavenly Father.
- I trust I will be confident in His plan.
This year, these 365 days of 2014, I want to trust.
