Remember this picture? This is what my mind and heart feel like today. Stormy. Hopeful. Dark. Optimistic of the sun coming out. But reality is – it’s dumping, even though you can’t see it.
Warning: you may not want to read this today. Just enjoy the pretty picture above. I’m going to write about shame, humiliation, embarrassment – and not in a funny way. This is day 24 of 31 Days of Life.
Shame. Such an ugly word. Apparently this is my new lesson. Honestly, I fear shame-embarrassment-being in the spot light, as much as I struggle with fear itself. I’m writing to process, because I’m realizing it is what I need to do. What follows has been many of my thoughts, between my Lord & I. I don’t take tests well. Life lesson tests aren’t any better, and yet He still extends grace to me.
My train of thought: Shame is ugly. It hurts. I hate it. It’s a feeling. Because it’s a feeling, I’m not supposed to trust it. It won’t go away. It lingers. It exaggerates. It lies. It confuses me. It.is.NOT.from.God.
Regardless, I’m struggling with it right now. So I started to look up what it meant, by looking up the synonyms of each word I equate with shame and how I was feeling.
- The synonyms/definition of shame (according to MSWord): disgrace, embarrass, discredit, dishonor
- The synonyms/definition of feeling (according to MSWord): emotion, sentiment, mood, reaction {I tend to think feelings aren’t important. Yes we have them, but we aren’t supposed to live by them. Hard to fight this inner battle, because I really don’t want to be non-feeling.}
- The synonyms/definition of hurt (according to MSWord): harm, injure, wound, damage
- The synonyms/definition of embarrass (according to MSWord): make self-conscious, mortify, make uncomfortable, make ashamed, make shy, discomfit
- The synonyms/definition of humiliate (according to MSWord): disgrace, put down, show up, humble, debase
Nice. My list/path/train of thought, from shame to feeling to hurt to embarrass to humiliate, brought me full circle to disgrace. So, what does MSWord give me for the word disgrace? Disgrace: dishonor, discredit, scandal, ignominy (embarrassment/shame), humiliation
I think this is why shame is so shockingly hurtful. God gives us grace. Endless grace. We believe He wants us to be graceful. We are to extend grace to others. To shame is to disgrace. Disgrace is the absence of grace, shame in its rawest form.
What is my point? I wrestle with the feeling of shame when something comes up or is said to remind me of my place. My place in society that is. In society, our culture, the church – I am a single mom [a never-ending stigma – right or wrong, it is usually negative], living in a very small space [which is the obvious lack of finances, again due to being a single mom].
I was going to invite a family to dinner. They are friends. Their children are my children’s friends. But. They have a husband/daddy in their family AND they have a big house. Two obvious strikes against me. I was trying to look past my circumstances and extend the invitation anyway. I knew they wouldn’t mind. They are that kind of family. The kind you can be comfortable with anywhere. in any situation. It took me a long time to get to the point of thinking I was even remotely worthy to invite others into my place. {After all, I am ‘just’ a single mom in a small place that can’t hold very many} So, I gathered my courage, got ready to verbalize the invite. Then someone made the statement, “What are you going to do, invite them here? [while tipping up their head and canvasing my whole space in a glance]” At that moment I shrunk. Then, as if that didn’t hurt enough, they went on “What about {Mr.}, what is he going to do? It’s not like he’d want to be here.” A “simple” statement, less than 10 words, said with the tone of “Why?-Really?-Are-you-dumb?-Do-you-really-think-that-is-even-feasible?-What-makes-you-think-they’d-even-want-to?-Get-a-clue-you-are-different-than-the-rest-of-us!-When-are-you-going-to-remember-you-don’t-even-have-the-same-value-as-others-with-[real]-families.” Now, I know, those things aren’t true – because I am a Child of God, a daughter of the Most High King, saved by grace. Those identities state is my “real” place.
It would have hurt less to be slapped across the face. Funny thing is, this isn’t a new thing. I am used to this kind of disregard from this person. But that fact didn’t make it hurt any less. In particular when I’m already feeling weary from life, beaten. In fact, I think it’s worse because I immediately assume I’m over reacting and just need to get a grip. [See above comment about exaggeration, lies, confusion] So, ya. I did the brave thing {ha-just kidding!} I shut down. I don’t retaliate. I close in. Recede. Seek protection. Then shame hits.hard. and I hear every one of the descriptions I listed from the synonyms above, and a few more. So, now they’ve invited said family to their house and we’re supposed to join them. {So, I can now hang with two couples – ‘cuz as a single, you know, that is more fun. Yes, you are hearing all my sarcastic nastiness.}
My head and heart are not in alignment. My heart is hurt. My head is choosing to get over it. By choice I will forgive. Not because I dont’ think it will happen again. But because to not forgive is to infect myself with bitterness. It still takes a bit of time though.
Then, to top it off. I received a phone call. One I was dreading. For the last six months, I’ve been trying to believe I needed to be a better person than to think it would happen this way, again. I needed to give my ex {shame is trying to choke me right now. I can’t breathe. It seems disrespectful to write ‘ex’, but what else should I write? I’m not going to use his name.} the benefit of the doubt. Vince was supposed to get braces put on tomorrow, but he has to get some teeth pulled first so the appointment date had to be changed. However because of the earlier appt. I now know ex either quit or was fired, again….I have confirmation (more than just the fact child support quit coming.again.), because insurance denied coverage for the first appointment. again. {been here before, done that. you’d think I would be prepared. but I wasn’t.}
So, the money being counted on to help for life [child support]. Not available. The amount we were hoping for to pay the orthodontist [insurance]. Not available. So, they had to call and say more money was owed. {sigh} Yes, you are reading this right – an entity finds out and calls me. He doesn’t tell me. If it weren’t for the two state departments, I wouldn’t know anything. According to two state departments, he doesn’t live here any more. Because the state he lives in told the state I live in. That is how I found out there was coverage to start with — 1.5 months after the coverage started. I get no cards, just verbal information. I did finally get a letter from his state with printed info. Even though it was wrong info. It was enough to eventually figure out – after hours of being on the phone. As of Sept 21st, there was coverage. Pre-approval was confirmed. Ya, overwhelming waves of shame. {Shame that I didn’t know – what I’d been told had been confirmed was wrong. Shame does not make sense. It does not tell the truth. It is a lie. It is a burden not meant for us to carry.}
That makes a total of 6 months of coverage. I hate myself for not being surprised, even though we’ve done this several times. I want to be mad, angry at him. After all, he put me in this position by walking away rather than getting help. It was his choice. But. instead I immediately wonder if he saw it coming. Was he able to prepare? Does he have a new wife and kids? If there is a ‘she’, does she see the patterns? Does he see the patterns? He made it longer than normal, I thought maybe something had changed. I hate that without even thinking about it, I was praying for him! How awful am I that I don’t want to pray for him, even though it is my immediate response?!
When I was 22 and we were getting married I wanted to be cherished, loved, and cared for. I made a choice. It was supposed to be forever. A home with Christ as our center. I wanted to be a wife. A mom. He promised. For Better or Worse. Forever. He lied. By 25 he had moved out. By 28 we were divorced. Not my plan. Overwhelming shame.
I hate that it’s been 12 years and shame still just knocks the wind out of me that fast. Twice in 48 hours.
I know in my head God promises to provide, but sometimes I just don’t see it and when I’m not seeing it, I don’t feel it. So, I have to rely on what He promises, rather than my heart. {The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? Jer. 17:9} I absolutely MUST trust Him, He commands us to! There is no other way. Even when I want my life to bring Glory & Honor to Him alone – I still find it hard. So thankful for the Bible, to be able to have written down words from Him. For turning to Him. So very, very thankful for His arms wrapping me tight. as I wait. {Blog posts I read yesterday & today have helped tremendously – here are just a couple Lisa-Jo at Gypsy Mama; Annie Downs over at (in)courage; and yesterday over at The Better Mom}.
